I remember being younger, in my teens, and having a plan. I wanted the high-flying career despite never knowing exactly what I wanted to do, to get married, to adopt a puppy and exactly one year later, have a baby. I wanted the beautiful house with 2 bathrooms and enough room for a dining table in the kitchen. And them something happens, so unexpected. That hurts so much at the time but eventually heals. Things start to feel easier, you begin to feel happy again, but ultimately it changes your whole perspective on the best way to live. It's exactly then that nothing else matters other than being happy.
I sometimes forget that other people get nervous about silly everyday things too. That inner monologue has a lot to answer for, but it gets easier. My heart used to race having to describe which salad bits I wanted in my subway sandwich. I couldn't begin to tell you why and you know what, when I'm in a particularly introverted mood, it still does make my heart race. But that's okay, as long as I force myself to just do it because in all likelihood it'll be easier the next time.
I've felt a real shift within myself over the last couple of months. I've taken a leaf out of Luna Lovegood's book and I've reached the point where I'm so content within myself, that I honestly, truthfully don't care what anyone else thinks of me/my choices/the way I look/whether I've gained a few pounds/whether that decision I made 6 months ago turned out to be the wrong one and I should have taken their advice instead. Making a conscious effort to distance myself from people who were making me unhappy, people that busy themselves with other people's business, judging them, gossiping behind their back and being their best friend to their face has been one of the best things I've ever done. It must all be so time consuming, I have no idea how they manage to get any of their own things done when they're too busy passing judgement on others. Snore. They can't pretend forever, surely? One day something venomous slips through their facade in the end. I'm trying to be more forgiving with this, maybe they're just having a bad day, a bad week, a bad year? I'm not sure it's an excuse though.
Nobody stays the same, we all have those years where nothing much changes but we also have those years where we learn so much more about ourselves, about what we want from life, about who we can trust and who we can't, who we want to be around and who we don't. I feel different because I am different. And being different to the person I was isn't a bad thing and if you feel different too, don't ever let anyone tell you that changing is a bad thing. I never wanted to be 19 forever, I never had any intention of being 19 forever.
There was an interesting #lbloggers discussion earlier in the week about whether blogs should be positive all the time & I don't think they have to be but it depends on what the individual feels comfortable sharing. I read blogs written by people I can relate to and sometimes those people feel sad. We all feel sad sometimes and if you feel comfortable sharing your feelings then it can be the most freeing thing in the world to talk them through. We're not all lucky enough to have close friends near by who we can talk things through with. I've had some incredible advice from people from all different walks of life, whom I never would have had the chance to talk to outside of the bloggersphere. They have helped me shape certain parts of my life so perfectly, simply by offering their thoughts and by just being there, at the end of an email.
My blog started off as a beauty blog, but now my main goal is to always be relateable. I tend to be fairly open with my feelings but I keep the details to myself. I don't think you need to explain the ins and outs of every situation if you don't want to. Always be careful with what you put out there, some things need protecting and often once they're out there, you can't take them back.
Right now, in this very moment, I'm content. I'm making goals and daring to dream because one day my dreams might come true.
And maybe yours will too. I hope they will.
I always want the best for you.