H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Too much coffee, fifteen cardigans, a bad waitress & the search for lost inspiration...

Thank you for sending positive vibes, big fancy words and cookies yesterday - I made it out in one piece, and even though I may have just submitted the worst essay in the history of the world ever, I'm just glad to see the back of it! An all-nighter, more coffee than I'd like to admit to and several hundred post it notes later, and I'm freeeeeee! (for a week or so...)

I don't know if it's just me, but when I'm stuck doing something I really don't want to be doing, I like to make a little list of all the things I'd like to be doing instead so I can do them afterwards. These are usually things I would otherwise put off so to keep myself awake yesterday I took the opportunity of a free day to have a good ol' clear out. I envy those that don't have much 'stuff' because I seem to have a lot. Part of me wanted to donate/throw away half of my wardrobe and part with lots of little nick-naks and although I definitely did part with a lot, I still kept things that I probably shouldn't. Those things are all together though and if I don't wear or use them within 6 months, they're going!

It's the point of deciding what I don't need anymore that's the hardest part because I always think 'oh if I part with this now, I bet I'll find that I need it in a week' or 'oh but I might wear this once in the summer this year'. But I never really know if those reasons justify keeping something because if I really need something I can pop out and replace it and even though I might wear a particular pretty dress one day later this year, if I haven't worn in in 2 summers I can't really love it that much, can I? There are certain things I'll hold on to forever like the dress I wore when I first met Mark, even though I'll probably never wear it again I just like having something tangible to represent that memory.

I don't really know where I'm going with this...I suppose I just wish I could be that girl who just has a small wardrobe (i.e. not one that has 15 cardigans sitting inside it - 15!! Surely I don't need all of those?!), a basic make up bag (not 9 acrylic draws full of the stuff!), some cameras, some books and a few sentimental things that will stay with me forever. But I'm the girl with a shelf of products I rarely touch but the just-in-case thought process stops me from whittling them down, 10 pairs of glasses and their accompanying cases (why do they take up so much room?!), a drawer full of tights (I don't know why either!) and more stationery than one person could ever need for University. The worst part is I genuinely believe the things I have are useful...even if I don't use them!

Anyway, that happened yesterday and that's not even what I came here to write about. I actually came here to ramble a little about inspiration and creativity.

I was listening to the radio yesterday and there was an interview with someone (I can't remember who) and they were talking about how happy they were to be doing what they're doing because it's all they've ever wanted. And that got me thinking, what do I want? The short answer is I don't really know I'm just muddling through, but here's the long one...

There are an infinite amount of things I'm not very good at. I'm not good at making small talk all day with lots of different people I don't know so I'm essentially the worst sales assistant ever. And I'm incredibly clumsy so I won't even tell you about my brief spell as a waitress, I'll leave that one to your imagination. I'm still trying to block out the memories...

Even though I truly believe that everyone is good at something, I had been beginning to think I was the only exception to that. I've never been someone who has known what they wanted to do for their whole life. I can't sing, I definitely can't draw and my attempts at learning musical instruments always ended in disaster. Over the years I flirted with so many different career ambitions. I wanted to be a vet until I realised that sometimes the animals wouldn't be okay and I'd probably cry. I loved the idea of being a singer but as I mentioned previously, I'm not gifted in the voice department. Then I wanted to travel the world as an air hostess, until I went on a plane and discovered I'm actually quite scared of flying. The list is almost endless and even though I'm not convinced there is anything I'm particularly good at, there are things that I love.

When I left University for the second time I think I forgot to pack up my need to be creative, to make pictures and films. It got left behind along with my inspiration and I didn't really know how to get them back. I fell into a routine of bad jobs, bad choices and really bad TV shows! Last year I rediscovered the joy of books and this year I'm rekindling my love for music. My bookshelf is looking more beautiful every singe day, the shelves are filled with different worlds & ideas and now I absolutely want to start my own little record collection. I have my eye on the prettiest record player and I've even made a space for it already. Digital downloads are wonderful, but they're not as inspiring to me as having something I can actually hold - and I suppose this is exactly why I have so much 'stuff'!

I guess I just forgot that inspiration, happy thoughts and good things come from immersing myself in all things creative. The secret to feeling inspired myself, is to look at artists I admire and the beautiful work they're creating. And it seems so obvious to me now. But this was a path I needed to follow by myself to finally make it over all the obstacles, even if those obstacles were put there by no one other than myself.

Happy Tuesday, I hope it's a good one!

Love, Jennie
xoxo

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44 comments:

  1. Congratulations, you survived the night! I'm happy for you! :)
    Compared to our parents' generation, we have a lot of 'freedom of choices' at hands, but to me it's a big illusion... If you make one choice, you have to say 'no' to all the other choices and if leaves you thinking "What if it was the wrong one?" - this is something which always bothers me and probably will always keep bothering me, BUT I am ok with it. As long as I have a balance of creativity and University in my life, I am content about the future :)
    and I'm sure you will find your balance, your way as well!

    P.S.: I have no idea what your taste in music is, but for January I'd recommend this album > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evyV9Fhnn2g Swedish melancholy, bittersweet memories!

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    1. Thank you!! It can definitely be difficult choosing the right path, all we can do is our best! xo

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  2. Well done on submitting your essay, you have earnt a day off :) I'm the same of you. I keep samples from magazines to use on a special night out, which never happens. And we have a record collection bursting with albums we already own on CD or MP3... funny really ;)

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    1. Thank you lovely! Ohh record collections are the best! xo

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  3. Crikey, it's so hard to know what you want to do. I totally don't.
    Glad you managed your essay though, and I have to admit, I have too many cardigans to count. I may try it though, so that you don't feel so bad about your fifteen.

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    1. I think it's okay to never really figure it out xo

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  4. This was a lovely post, sometimes the ramble-y ones are the best! :)
    Well done on finishing your essay, I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
    I tell my boyfriend off all. the time. for having so much STUFF - he doesn't know quite how much STUFF is still in my bedroom at my mum's, though, I'm probably just as bad as he is... Don't tell him I said that though!
    Also, 15 cardigans is totally fine - what if it's really cold and you need to wear them all!? ;D

    Jess xo

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    1. Thank you sweet, I hope I did okay, but it's okay if I mess this one up and do better next time, thankfully it won't affect my overall result too much. Hehe I won't tell him ;) x

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  5. I'm kinda feeling like this too. I'm in my last year at university, i'm no longer enjoying it, a group of girls i thought were my friends have turned out not to be, i'm kinda lonely and i just feel like all my creativity and inspiration is being squashed by being here! But there's not long left to go, and i know you'll find it too Jennie!

    K xo

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    1. Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. You're so nearly done though, which is an amazing achievement! <3

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  6. This is such a wonderful post, it's amazing how much of this I can relate to. It's like I could have written this myself (probably less eloquently). I'm so happy you are finding joy and inspiration in your life, in the things that you love :). I am desperate for a record player! Well done on submitting your essay x

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  7. Nice to know I'm not the only one, ha! You've done a lot better than me though! I've tried to have a new year clear out twice and it has just resulted in me moving things around twice and not actually getting rid of anything! Maybe third time lucky... :) xx

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    1. Hehe I do that ALL the time, totally not alone there! xo

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  8. Yay for handing your work in! I have so much stuff in my wardrobe too - wah! I managed to clear a lot of it a few weeks ago but it's tough. I do keep some sentimental items of clothing but I also have a lot of party dresses even though I never go to any parties. Hahaha! I've befriended my neighbour's granddaughter so I've started giving her a lot of things I won't use/wear anymore but it's hard to get rid of things.

    I realllly want a record player too! My friend managed to snag a massive (perfect condition) Gramophone cabinet and the sound is just ridiculous - I've never heard anything so crisp in my entire life! I'm still trying to work out what I'm good at, you're a fantastic writer. :)

    Tara xo

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    1. You can never have too many party dresses! Ohh wow, what a find! xo

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  9. I love getting rid of things but for some reason I have a hard time with clothes because I never know if it will be something I want to wear eventually or if it will be something cool to come back in style in like 10 years! This is such a lovely post!

    Carly | CBH

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    1. Ahh I know, right? It can be so difficult parting with clothes! xo

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  10. I absolutely hate being bogged down with doing something rubbish like an essay that just really isn't going anywhere, yay you for finally getting it done and out of the way though! I've never considered writing a list of things I'd like to do after completing it, going to have to give that a go as a nice little incentive! x

    The Little Things

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  11. I've got revision to do for uni and it's killing me :(
    alicekatex ♥

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  12. This has definitely got me thinking what actually makes me happy, and how to achieve it. Thanks for the inspiring and thoughtful post lovely :) x

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  13. You work so hard Jennie, you deserve the best from life, especially a wonderful career doing something you love and enjoy, and making all your creative ideas come true! <3 It's a great idea about making a list of things you want to do, that's a great motivation plan & I bet it works too!

    You are so talented and created in so many different fields; not only a wonderful writer but a creative photographer, an inspirational and thought provoking blogger and a total sweetheart! Whatever path you choose, you will go far, I'm sure!

    Sophie <3 soinspo

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    1. Aww gosh, thank you sweet lady, that means a lot! xo

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  14. Congrats on surviving the all-nighter, I know all too well how exhausting it is! Thanks so much for writing this by the way, I can relate to so many of the things you mentioned. Lately I've been caught up in a cycle of trying to figure out what I'm good at (and failing), and it's really been getting me down. It's been so long since I've really done anything creative for the fun of it, so I'll definitely be taking a leaf out of your book :)

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  15. I'm sure your essay is great! Don't worry. -Hanna Lei

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  16. I loved reading your ramblings :).Someone's nuisance can be other's music.

    You're not alone there, I'm somone who also haven't figured out yet what I want to do in life and What I want.

    xoxo

    Rekha

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    1. Thank you lovely, I completely agree <3

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  17. I really enjoyed reading this post! I have a massive clear out every few months and throw away bin bags worth of stuff but still have too much left...how it happens I'll never know but I'm way too sentimental! Also really know what you mean about the search for inspiration - writing more frequently has made me much happier! xx
    www.LaurasHaven.com

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  18. I am trying the start reading again, I have stopped whilst getting in the swing of university but remembered how much I loved it over christmas. I have started to read love in the time of cholera by gabriel garcia marquez and its amazing if you fancy reading something new x

    http://theadventuresofhann.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Ooh I'll pop it on my list for sure! xo

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  19. Such a lovely post, I'm glad the essay handing in is over - good luck, and enjoy some well deserved time off. I think the minimalist idea is completely over-rated. I too have A LOT of stuff and I probably don't need most of it, but I do find it quite comforting. Especially books. If I lived in a house without books and only e-books, that is not a house I would want to spend any time in!

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    1. I'm with you on that one, books are the best <3

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  20. I love your rambles! I wish I could have a capsule wardrobe and make up bag too. I'm pretty sure I can rival your 15 cardigans x

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  21. Congrats about the essay!

    I'm exactly the same way about stuff. It's a nightmare but I'm slowly purging the stuff I don't find useful or beautiful and it feels really good. Since I came back from Christmas I haven't felt the need to buy clothes or shoes or make up and that's so refreshing for me. Right now I'm totally content with what I already have.

    Sorcha x Bright Field Notes

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  22. congratulations on surviving the essay! i love reading posts from you like this one - where you just write about what's on your mind. because almost every time i seem to completely agree with your thoughts... i have always wondered what i'm good at too. i've sort of come to the realization that there are some of us that don't have one stand out talent, but we can still find things in life to do that we enjoy and do well in. it's like some people have 1 great talent while others can do many little things well. i guess i'm one of the latte type of people, and although i always wish i had a gorgeous singing voice, or played some sport/instrument super well, i'll settle for enjoying a little of everything. this is also why one of my 2014 resolutions that i mentioned on my blog was to actually find a hobby this year. to actually work at doing something that i enjoy even better than i can now. hopefully i'll be able to stick to my resolution and actually fine something that i'm passionate about and proud of!

    rachel x
    blush&brunch

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    1. Aw thank you sweet! I completely agree, it's okay not to have just one thing you're good at, instead being good a few different things. I'm convinced you will stick to your resolution, it's a good one! xo

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