Goodness knows where I'd be without this outlet. This space here. The one I've been able to turn to for the past four years. I'm not very good at talking out loud. The words to adequately describe how I'm feeling at any given moment seem to disappear entirely from my vocabulary whenever someone asks how I'm doing. And I get flustered. So I just say that I'm doing well, don't elaborate any further, and swiftly move the conversation back to the other person. Most of the time that's the truth and sometimes it's a little white lie. I'm no better at talking about the things that are going well for me (for worry of sounding too pleased with myself) that I am about talking about the meh things (for worry of sounding too whiny).
This isn't an entirely safe place for me to escape to. Sometimes I get told that I'm miserable. It's like being punished for being comfortable enough to be honest and I think that's a shame because everyone should have somewhere they feel able to be honest. But I don't mind that criticism. I think it's mostly by sense of humour getting lost in translation. And when it's not, well, I don't think I could ever apologise for not being happy all the time. I've lost count of the number of posts I've written about things I love over the years. But if that's all I wrote about, it wouldn't be a true reflection of me. And I've never been here to pretend.
If I could describe myself in one word, most of the time I'd choose introspective, but not in a negative way. I'm not peppy. I could pretend to be, but what's the point in that? We're here for such a short time, I think it's always important to stay true to yourself. I'm not overtly smiley but that doesn't mean I'm not happy. There are a million different things going around in my head all the time. A lot of the time I'll be physically present, but my head will be somewhere else thinking about the book I read last week, the sweet old lady that smiled at me on the bus that morning or what little Ralphie thinks about as he's munching on his favourite treat.
So although I'm not peppy, I'm also not miserable. No one is just one thing or the other. Sometimes we're happy and sometimes we're not. That's okay. And it's okay to take some time to feel sad if you need to. No one should ever have to apologise for that. If you need to take a few days, or a few weeks to feel sad so you can process things and move forward, you do that and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. You don't have to tell anyone the details of why you're feeling a particular way. Those that matter will understand. But if you need someone to sit with you, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to make you smile, please never be afraid to ask for a little bit of help. Sometimes we can't do everything alone, even if we think we can.
I feel displaced.
Things are moving fast in the bloggersphere these days. Perhaps I'm not forward thinking enough to have managed to keep up with everything. But I think I'm okay with just muddling through. Perhaps I don't have a particular place within the community and if I stopped writing tomorrow it wouldn't really matter. And that's okay. I don't mind sitting on the outskirts, taking a peek every once in a while at what's going on. I don't think that makes what I'm doing any more or less valuable than what anyone else is doing. Besides, I definitely wouldn't want to leave a gap that couldn't be filled. I much prefer the idea of someone coming along to fill the space and ending up doing things way better than I ever did in the first place. That's how things grow and move forward. And I suppose that's what's already happened. Things are growing and it's really quite wonderful to be able to see that. What a journey.
So, I suppose what I'm getting at here is that I'm stuck. I'll find myself a route out of it though. It might take a little while, but I'll get there and it will probably be worth the journey. And in true perks style, I'm both happy and sad simultaneously. I'm working on figuring out why. I'll get back to you on that one.
Maybe I need a holiday. Or a plan. Or a strong gin. Or all three. Who knows? I'll figure it out though...
P.S. I'll be back tomorrow with a post about a lipgloss, I think. It's a really nice one too. From a post full of waffle to a post about lipgloss. It's an interesting combination. I don't think I really know why you read this, but I'm very thankful that you do.
P.P.S. Thank you for leaving lovely comments as always, I'll be back to reading & commenting on your posts this evening. I haven't checked my emails or twitter for a few days, I'll try and catch up on those too!
P.P.P.S. I'm okay, honestly.