H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Monday, 24 February 2014

Stuck.

One of my least favourite personality traits is how easily I manage to get myself stuck in a rut. One minute I can be quite happily wandering along and the next I've ground to a sudden stop. Finding that burst of something to get going again often evades me for a long time. It likes to hide in the tiniest of spaces, close enough to see but I can't quite reach it.

Goodness knows where I'd be without this outlet. This space here. The one I've been able to turn to for the past four years. I'm not very good at talking out loud. The words to adequately describe how I'm feeling at any given moment seem to disappear entirely from my vocabulary whenever someone asks how I'm doing. And I get flustered. So I just say that I'm doing well, don't elaborate any further, and swiftly move the conversation back to the other person. Most of the time that's the truth and sometimes it's a little white lie. I'm no better at talking about the things that are going well for me (for worry of sounding too pleased with myself) that I am about talking about the meh things (for worry of sounding too whiny).

This isn't an entirely safe place for me to escape to. Sometimes I get told that I'm miserable. It's like being punished for being comfortable enough to be honest and I think that's a shame because everyone should have somewhere they feel able to be honest. But I don't mind that criticism. I think it's mostly by sense of humour getting lost in translation. And when it's not, well, I don't think I could ever apologise for not being happy all the time. I've lost count of the number of posts I've written about things I love over the years. But if that's all I wrote about, it wouldn't be a true reflection of me. And I've never been here to pretend.

If I could describe myself in one word, most of the time I'd choose introspective, but not in a negative way. I'm not peppy. I could pretend to be, but what's the point in that? We're here for such a short time, I think it's always important to stay true to yourself. I'm not overtly smiley but that doesn't mean I'm not happy. There are a million different things going around in my head all the time. A lot of the time I'll be physically present, but my head will be somewhere else thinking about the book I read last week, the sweet old lady that smiled at me on the bus that morning or what little Ralphie thinks about as he's munching on his favourite treat.

So although I'm not peppy, I'm also not miserable. No one is just one thing or the other. Sometimes we're happy and sometimes we're not. That's okay. And it's okay to take some time to feel sad if you need to. No one should ever have to apologise for that. If you need to take a few days, or a few weeks to feel sad so you can process things and move forward, you do that and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. You don't have to tell anyone the details of why you're feeling a particular way. Those that matter will understand. But if you need someone to sit with you, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to make you smile, please never be afraid to ask for a little bit of help. Sometimes we can't do everything alone, even if we think we can.

I feel displaced.

Things are moving fast in the bloggersphere these days. Perhaps I'm not forward thinking enough to have managed to keep up with everything. But I think I'm okay with just muddling through. Perhaps I don't have a particular place within the community and if I stopped writing tomorrow it wouldn't really matter. And that's okay. I don't mind sitting on the outskirts, taking a peek every once in a while at what's going on. I don't think that makes what I'm doing any more or less valuable than what anyone else is doing. Besides, I definitely wouldn't want to leave a gap that couldn't be filled. I much prefer the idea of someone coming along to fill the space and ending up doing things way better than I ever did in the first place. That's how things grow and move forward. And I suppose that's what's already happened. Things are growing and it's really quite wonderful to be able to see that. What a journey.

So, I suppose what I'm getting at here is that I'm stuck. I'll find myself a route out of it though. It might take a little while, but I'll get there and it will probably be worth the journey. And in true perks style, I'm both happy and sad simultaneously. I'm working on figuring out why. I'll get back to you on that one.

Maybe I need a holiday. Or a plan. Or a strong gin. Or all three. Who knows? I'll figure it out though...

xoxo

P.S. I'll be back tomorrow with a post about a lipgloss, I think. It's a really nice one too. From a post full of waffle to a post about lipgloss. It's an interesting combination. I don't think I really know why you read this, but I'm very thankful that you do.
P.P.S. Thank you for leaving lovely comments as always, I'll be back to reading & commenting on your posts this evening. I haven't checked my emails or twitter for a few days, I'll try and catch up on those too!
P.P.P.S. I'm okay, honestly

70 comments:

  1. I would be sad if you stopped writing your blog. But, that said, you should always do what's right for you. x

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  2. We've all been where you are, and I love that's you're not overly peppy because you're real. I have days like you and I don't put them on my blog (I wish I dared!) but they're still there, and I love that you are open with your emotions on here and it means you paint a full picture of yourself, then people can fully relate which is why you do so well and have such loyal readers. Sod the nasty comments, this is your corner of the internet and you can be any which way you choose, and I personally love you for just being you :) x

    Claire | AgentSmyth

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  3. I'm so happy that you write posts like this. It really annoys me when people expect every single person to be happy all the time, why does it matter so much to them anyway? I also don't understand why people seem to have such an issue with introverted people, as if it's a personal slight to them! I'm the same as you to be honest. I'm not exactly bubbly or peppy, but I am nice! It's just that a lot of people won't take the time to find that out. It's really difficult sometimes trying to figure out what to do. A plan sounds like a good idea though! Even if it's just a little one. <3 xxx

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    1. Ahh I know, I really don't understand it! xo

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  4. I quite often go through ruts, I think it's quite normal. Life has it's up and downs, you get stuck going in a circle and then suddenly you are out of it and running.
    I also feel the same about blogging - I have no idea where I sit in the blogging world. I don't *do* high fashion or photo shoots, I sometimes do little ones in my room, but the thought of posing on the streets?! Argh, no!
    But I like blogs like this, they are down to earth - other blogs look so done up that you know no one could live like that, all the time, everyday.
    Stay as you are lovely, I've always loved your blog :)
    xx

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    1. I love your blog because it's unique <3

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  5. I think it's very easy to find yourself in this place, especially as a creative, but you have to give yourself the freedom to feel this, to accept it, and to move through it at your own pace. No one will put as many demands on you as you do on yourself. I know from being in this kind of headspace myself before and dragging myself under with it that sometimes the best thing to do is get away, make time to breathe, take stock, and find your energy again. I'm sure you'll get where you're feeling strong again, and all of us support you :) T xx

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  6. No one is happy 100% all of the time! We all appreciate your honesty, although obviously we're sad when you're feeling down. Hopefully writing all of this down is somewhat therapeutic for you, I know blogging helps me when I feel a little sad (plus it's cheaper than shopping sprees haha!) Even if you feel a little lost with your blog right now know that we all love it <3 xxx

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  7. It would be sad if you didn't write anymore!!!you're a wonderful person and blogger Jennie and I really love to read your posts!!<3 a big hug...
    xoxo
    Martina

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  8. I think its ok to be stuck in a rut from time to time. I love your blog for your honesty - its so refreshing to see! xx

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  9. I think we read this because of the wonderful quirky combination of subjects, because you're always so honest here and because you're a bloody good writer. You would definitely be missed if you stopped. So, y'know, don't! xo

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  10. Aww Jennie :( Please don't stop writing, your blog is such a lovely place, it might not be all rainbows and puppies all the time but the refreshing honesty sets you apart. I like that you're a blogger who doesn't keep up a 'front' all the time. It lets other people know that we all go through tough times.
    Truthfully, though you may feel stuck blogging-wise, know that there are a lot of readers who adore your blog and will always come back for more because they love your personality and what you share here in our little community. Stay true to yourself and do what you think is right and, in my humble opinion, you can never go wrong. Always here for you :) xxxxxx

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    1. Thank you lovely, that means a lot <3

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  11. I have the same problem. Sometimes, getting motivated is just so hard. -Hanna Lei

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  12. It would really matter if you stopped writing Jennie, it would matter to me. Your blog was the 2nd blog I stumbled upon and I always always love to read your posts regardless of what the subject matter is. I actually think there are very few blogs such as yours out there. A lot of the time, it's not the type of blog that it is, but how it is written which grabs you. You are such an old head on young shoulders. I hope you keep writing for a long long time. x

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    1. Thank you, that means so much <3

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  13. I think everyone feels this way from time to time - I hope you remember this advice yourself, it's always okay if you need to take some time to be okay!
    I would miss you if you stopped writing Jennie!!

    Jess xo

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  14. I can tell blogging is such a major outlet for you, I can just sense it, especially with the amount of dedication you put in and it's nice to see someone put their all in. It's inspiring. I get stuck in that rut a lot too, I feel unmotivated most days probably due to going to a job I'm not too keen on. Life can get very repetitive but I think to myself 'I can make it repetitive or I can switch it up a bit' and doing something a bit different every week helps dramatically I think. I'm the same at times when people ask how I am, I just don't feel like talking at times so I'll just put on a facade. I think it's okay to not feel up beat everyday though, no one can ever feel that, everyone must have down days. Just doing what you're doing Jennie and if :)

    I'm pleased you liked my valentines illustration too btw!

    Katie » Tattyboots

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    1. It definitely is, not sure what I'd do without it sometimes! I hope that your job picks up, or you get the chance to do something that inspires you a little more, that time will come for sure! xo

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  15. I'd definitely miss your blog if you stopped writing it! I love that you're so honest when you write posts like these, and a lot of the time I can really relate to what you're saying. I hope you get out of your rut soon, lots of love :) xx

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  16. Aw Jennie this is such a sweet post. I think introverted is not a bad thing at all, I myself am quite introverted and whilst I'm also very loud and outgoing I spend a lot of time alone, muddling through my thoughts and that's kind of what my blog is for too. Being stuck in a rut happens to everyone from time to time, I always think it's rubbish when you're the one in a rut but it's necessary for your brain to kind of recharge before plundering off into something else (or at least that's how it works for me). It's interesting what you write about the blogosphere as I don't really keep an eye on the blogworld at all, I read very few blogs and the ones I do read are pretty varied. But I so enjoy yours and seeing a slice of somebody else's life. It's very admirable to present yourself in every context rather than highlighting the best bits, I kind of try to do this too which results in some posts about the more boring aspects of my life going virtually unread (e.g. the last two) whilst a random post about a dress might get way more hits despite me thinking it's less interesting. I find this frustrating at times but as the comments above show different things appeal to different people and I for one really appreciate this kind of honest post! Lots of love. XXXXXX

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    1. I totally agree, down time is almost as important as the creative times. I always read your posts, I've been the worst at commenting but I to find it really intriguing seeing a slice of someone else's life <3 xoxo

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  17. I love these honest posts Jennie <3

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  18. I hope you're okay :) and you know, I'd totally have a strong gin with you, if needed ;)

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  19. I like this post so much. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't open up so much in my blog because I probably sound very miserable in some posts which isn't always true. I a lot like you, I'm not always happy and cheerful but it doesn't mean that I'm really sad either. But I really like reading honest posts like this one, they let us remember that we all are real people who aren't happy all the time.

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  20. I'm aware this probably doesn't mean much, but literally whenever in a twitter chat someone asks about favourite bloggers, I always list you!

    Nicola // pink-confetti.co.uk

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    1. Thank you sweet, that means the world <3

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  21. Just remember that somewhere in the distance there's a light that never goes out. Take all the time you need & if it takes watching from the sideline for a while, then that's fine. It's okay not to be okay.

    Hugs!

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  22. I would miss your blog if you stopped writing! You are amongst the few I actually read word for word and not just skim! Keeley's Wardrobe

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  23. Thank-you for your honesty. I truly appreciate it. After reading this I have two thoughts to add, denying a feeling is never healthy for people like us &, at any given moment, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Love you!

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  24. Lots of love and hugs sweet Jennie, your honesty is real and from the heart and always appreciated. Just thinking about the bloggosphere without your wonderful blog is making me feel terribly upset! You have a place in many hearts and we all love your blog for many different reasons. One of the most prominent reasons for me is reflective posts like these that are refreshing and truthful (although I hate to think of you upset), but there are lots of lovely, heart warming posts and your wonderful reviews always make perfect blog reading <3

    Stay strong sweet, I know it's so hard because I like to think I can understand and relate to some of the things you have mentioned on here. Know it's okay to feel like this and there will be brighter days ahead, hold your head up high and be proud of yourself, always.

    With lots of love

    Sophie xox

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  25. I adore your blog and would miss it tremendously. I actually share your feeling where I'm so happy with my blog and I adore it, but I would feel like if I ever stopped it would make no difference. Although I kinda prefer it because increasing readership gives me anxiety sometimes. Putting yourself out there is hard and I think you do it wonderfully, Jennie <3

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  26. I love how you wrote this, and I recognize a piece of myself in this post. Thanks for sharing!

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  27. Jennie, I think we're so similar! I'd love to give you a big squishy hug. There would be 3000+ people who would be devvo'd if you ever stopped blogging including me, fact. I can't imagine not having our blog, it's a great creative outlet for Jade & I.

    Tara xo

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  28. you would leave a huge gaping crater of a hole if you left the blog world Jennie! your honesty is what makes you special.

    it's hard when you feel like everyone around you is whizzing past or around at an alarming speed, leaving you standing still not quite knowing where you're supposed to go, but the thing is - people don't like to show their vulnerabilities, and they might be feeling just as lost as you are. you're not being left behind, just taking a pause for a moment to figure out what's next. we all need those times. x

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  29. I think you should always just be yourself and try not to worry about trying to please everyone all of the time. People read because they like to read about the truth and not just the good stuff, it's nice as people can relate to these things, I think sometimes on blogs and facebook etc we watch a role of everyones highlights and good bits and that's just not their reality, not anyones, everyone has ups and downs, but I guess not everyone shares the downs so much, so you can start believing that everyone else's lives are perfect, but I doubt they are!

    What I love about blogging is that there are so many different people and things out there and no one is the same, so you're not just reading the same old things from the same old people...

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    1. Definitely not trying to please everyone all the time, it's just not possible. But at the same time I have to think about my readers too. They're what makes this space so special. It'd be nothing without them! xo

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  30. Having just stumbled across your blog I would be very sad to see it end. I know exactly about getting stuck in a rut. In a major one since finishing university, and my current employment and injury doesn't help. One thing I have noticed is that taking a step back on my road to my general non-rutty self, loads of people often are stuck in a rut!

    A lovely insightful post.

    averageadventures.org | Toni May xx

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    1. I hope you feel better super soon, it's no fun feeling stuck! xo

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  31. Your blog is so special and many of your posts made me feel better and like I'm not alone. I love your honesty and ability to express what you feel. These are the reasons why I always come back and enjoy it :)x

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  32. OH Jennieee, of course we have our moments. It's natural.
    And I'm glad you are sharing it with us through your blog
    because it shows who you are and I really admire that!
    And I'm also in love with your writing skills, a lot of deep
    quotes you have made c: Xx

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  33. Peppy is overrated. *pours you some gin*

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  34. You're such a beautiful and wise soul! I'm happy to hear you're okay and that you accept life for what it is. It's complicated for everyone but we always think we're the only ones who suffer. That's why I love how you not only share the positive aspects of your life, but also the negatives one. Life isn't perfect.You're human. But you're also very strong and have a healthy view on things.
    By the way, you're my favourite blogger and visiting your blog makes me happy and feel better. You have such a wonderful way with words and you're pictures are also simply beautiful!
    To me it would matter if you'd stopped blogging tomorrow ;)

    Keep your head up. You're right where you belong and life truly is a journey - as you said - you'll get there! Good luck with everything :)

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  35. Hello there, it's ok to be stuck in a rut, allow yourself to take time to yourself, relax, enjoy that gin and keep your chin up :-) Ailish Goes

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