H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Pause. Step Back. Refresh.

Ah, 2014. So the plan was to post something here every single day, about anything and everything, whatever took my fancy at the time. It was the dream and I don't think it was wildly unattainable. I could totally make it happen & I kept it up for a little while but it wasn't what I'd hoped for. The reality of the dream ended up being a few things I'm really proud of peppered in amongst a whole bunch of words that just weren't quite right. I'd hoped it would bring out the best in me and it didn't because I wasn't in the right place.

I had hoped this would feel just as exciting as it did when I first started blogging, when I wrote about everything and I had the best time. And maybe that's partly because I was the only one reading. And now there's you. And I'm so pleased that you're here, I really am. But sometimes I feel a little bit of pressure. Pressure to be fresh. Pressure to compete. And that's not your fault, it's totally mine. I lost myself a little over the past little while.

Being fresh and at the top of the game has never been my intention, so I'm not quite sure what happened to make me think that I needed to try and be something that I'm not. I fell into writing posts in similar ways to some of my favourite bloggers. And my version of their style obviously is nowhere near as good, because they are consistently being true to themselves and I was veering completely off course. They write for them and somewhere along the line I forgot to write for me.

So I paused. Took a step back. And hit refresh on almost everything.

The word change used to send shivers down my spine. I liked routine and sticking to the plan. But as of right now, change is nothing but fascinating to me. I'm turning twenty five quite soon and I think this has something to do with how I'm feeling and my need for change. It's not a bad feeling at all. It's actually an amazingly liberating and beautiful feeling.

But don't get me wrong, the past couple of weeks certainly haven't been smooth sailing. There have been many moments of panic. There have been ideas scribbled down on pieces of paper at 3am only to be screwed up into a ball and thrown across the room seconds later. I've stayed up all night to see the sun rise on a new day, hoping that one would be better than the one before. There have been many midnight conversations with my mama. True heart to hearts about life and hopes and dreams, about change and sameness and emptiness. How to know when things are right, when things are wrong and when to dream. There have been days full of immersing myself in my favourite books to completely block out all thoughts of my own reality; Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (for Remus and Sirius) and Nausea (oddly comforting). There have been tears, lots of tears. And there's been hope. There's always hope.

I looked back over some old posts and I'm so proud of nineteen year old me. I want to hold on to the best parts of her and take them forwards from here. Because she's still here, she's just a little less naive and a little braver. "Oh, you've changed!". And yes, that's true. Being nineteen is infinitely different to being almost twenty five. There may only be a few years in between, but it turns out that a whole lot of change happens even if you don't really expect it to.

So there might be a few different things happening from here on in. Nothing too different, I don't think. But I'm not exactly sure where this path is going to take me. On a whim last week, armed with a twenty pound note in my pocket I went out and got a few new things for my office. I needed things to be different, to feel different. There have been a couple of changes here too, just a little bit of spring cleaning. I've metaphorically taken everything off the shelf to clean it, rather than dusting around things like I usually do. 

Thank you. For being you. For always being here, even through these unexpected moments of change. I appreciate it more than I could ever successfully put into words. But I hope you know what I mean. And even if you read this and think 'well, that sounds silly', please remember one thing. There's always hope. There will come a time when hope is one of the only things there to cling on to. Sometimes it can hide, but don't ever forget that it's there.

Take care, and I'll hopefully see you tomorrow! 

Love, Jennie
xoxo

61 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post! I totally know what you mean as well!! <3 xx

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  2. Go with what your heart is telling you, decide what makes you happy, choose what freedom in this space means for you. After all, this is YOUR SPACE. Not ours!
    Love to you xxx

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  3. Sometimes I have felt the pressure to keep posting even though it's felt as though my world is fallign apart. And I'm not prouid of what I posted, so now I'm more ready to take a step back. There's nothing wrong with that.

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  4. Recapturing a spark or feeling is always incredibly difficult. I've tried it a couple of times myself, but after trial and error I've come to the realisation that you can't get exactly the same feeling back...you have to make a new spark. It sounds like you've come to that realisation, yourself.

    Enjoy your new changes; I hope they make you feel happy with your blogging again. I always enjoy reading along, Jennie xx

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  5. Such a beautiful post, I love how honest you are. Don't feel pressured to do anything you don't like, do what makes you happy, it's your blog, it's your life, you create the rules :) x

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  6. so many people think that change is bad, but in your case, you just grew up I think. I can feel a huge difference from 18 yo me and 21 yo me, even if a lot of things are the same, inside me are a lot of changes.
    no matter how you're changing and experimenting, I think you'll always be a lovely person, because that doesn't change that easily.

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  7. Amazingly written. Change can be good. -Hanna Lei

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  8. Definitely write for yourself, and blog about the things that make you happy! I can guarantee that I'll love everything you post about :) I think blogging everyday is a really difficult thing because you can't always force yourself to come up with content that you're really passionate about or find things that you want to talk about on any given day. It's tough! I always love popping by though! xxx

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  9. I love your blog and your writing. I'll always be a fan of you Jennie. You're such a great person and you can write about stuff I'm too afraid to write about.

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    1. thank you, that means a lot! Xo

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  10. Beautiful post. I only recently started blogging but I can already appreciate how difficult it is to stay yourself when you are drawing inspiration for so many other wonderful bloggers. Also, Prisoner of Azkaban is totally one of my go to books when I need to take a step back:)

    xoxo, Elena
    the20-somethingproject.blogspot.com

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    1. it's the perfect world to escape into <3

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  11. I've always been a fan of your blog and writing style. It's absolutely always beautiful, no matter what you write about. I find myself mimicking others writings too sometimes, but then I just reread, delete, take a breathe, and write how I feel. I'm terrified of change, but it can be good :) We'll be here no matter what you choose to write or how!

    Jess | The Mod Mermaid

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  12. Such a beautiful post, and you must write for yourself, that is the reason why you have done so well in the first place lovely!

    Belle ♥
    Mascara & Maltesers

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  13. Oh loved this post, change is not always a bad thing! <3

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  14. I am going through the exact same thought process at the mo. With the New Year I put a lot of pressure on myself to post everyday which made me feel like a failure when I was unable to keep up. Now I have taken a step back, started posting as regularly as I can with content that I'm happy with and I cross my fingers that my readers stick with me. I can't wait to see where you take your blog. Keep writing for you! Emma.xx

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  15. I love your reflective posts, I can relate to so much of it. x

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  16. That's an easy thing to fall into, not writing for yourself. And you should write for yourself Jennie :) But I always enjoy your blog and your posts! Change can be good!

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  17. Aw Jennie! You shouldn't feel pressured to write at certain times or in a certain way. Just be you and write when you feel inspired, so it's still fun! We will all still be here when you're ready to share again. ♥

    Tara xo

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  18. Awww I just want to give you all the hugs Jennie. You are so right your writing needs to be for you, that's why I stopped my emskiruns blog and completely changed, I just found it wasn't me and I needed to be more me and less what I wanted others to think I was.
    Change is a great thing but it's hard a lot of the time, you will come out the other side of the change so much for the better - stronger and even more awesome :)
    Hope is the anchor of the soul is the quote that your post brought to mind and you are so right there will always be hope.
    Be you because that's the Jennie people love :)
    x

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    1. Thank you for commenting with your new blog name, I would miss your posts! <3

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  19. I've been following your blog for a few years now and I have always enjoyed your posts. You even inspired me to start up writing again! If you need to pause, step back, and refresh...we'll all still be here reading. It's nice to see someone evolve through the years...you make me want to reread your old blog posts too!

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  20. Aww Jennie, you deserve all the happiness there is <3 Please know we love you and your blog for YOU, so you let your heart rule that, keep your head up and know you definitely should be proud of the amazing things you have achieved, the inspiration you give to others and the kindness you radiate.

    It truly is so hard sometimes isn't it? I think I can understand, and feel in some ways I can relate to a lot of what you're saying and the emotions you note. Sometimes when I think back to when no one read my blog, the pressure just wasn't there. I often find yourself contemplating posts for the wrong reasons, when all I really want to do is vent, or tell the world I'm not okay, but instead I ramble on about a handbag (!)
    I guess we all do though. I'm definitely feeling what you said about your nineteen year old self; I feel I've changed beyond belief, yet at 24 I'm stuck between two worlds; one that's too frightening to contemplate going back to, the other so far out of reach I'm not sure I could ever quite clutch at it.

    You will find your way sweet, we all believe in you! <3

    Sophie xox

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    1. <3 We'll all find our way eventually! xo

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  21. you've changed for the better - grown, learnt, become stronger and better. i think it's a positive thing that things don't just spill over as easily as they used to - you're so mature and so self-aware, that's the beauty of you. xx

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  22. I love your blog so much! Certainly not silly, change is scary, especially when it's concerning something like a blog. :) <3

    guesswhathollie.blogspot.co.uk

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  23. Reading your post really made my day, Jennie. I think blogging can become very competitive and a game of comparison, and knowing that you're stepping away and making changes for yourself and for the better is so wonderful to hear. I've been dealing with something similar and it's such a breath of fresh air to read your honest thoughts.

    The unexpected changes are going to so good for you and I can't wait to see how they manifest onto your blog too, hon (:

    Melanie
    Lace and Combat Boots | a life + style blog

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  24. Great post, looking forward to seeing what you have planned! x

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  25. i love when you step back and write posts like these - it's honestly something i wish i could do too, writing about my reflections on my blog. reflecting and expressing myself through writing is way harder than i thought, and also quite intimidating really! so definitely be proud of yourself for being able to do so, and doing it so well. i love how honest, genuine, and open you are. changes are exciting, and never-ending, but never change these qualities about yourself! :)

    rachel x
    blush&brunch

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  26. I definitely feel you on this one Jennie, it can be so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you have to write even when you don't really have much to say. It's so much better to stay true to yourself and write what you want, when you want ♡

    Jess xo

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  27. This is such a beautiful post. I'm about to turn 25 as well and I feel like this post has captured the excitement and fear that surrounds still being young but being so much more aware of getting older. "There may only be a few years in between, but it turns out that a whole lot of change happens even if you don't really expect it to" really hit me (in a good way too, though.)

    Good luck with all of your changes, and with everything!

    x

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  28. You've put into words exactly what I started to feel before I stopped blogging, you start to feel as if you need to post every day and post about certain things to keep people coming back when in reality, they come back for you anyway.

    I have always loved your blog because it is different, it is not over hyped and you don't pretend to be something you are not. Your honesty is refreshing and something I look forward to whenever I click to read.

    I hope you feel better soon :) (p.s Yes yes yes to Sirius and Remus!)
    xxx

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    1. Thank you, that really does mean the world <3

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  29. This is a lovely post..I completely understand your feelings and what I can say is..Take your time sweet..don't worry about changes..they will help you to grow up!!!A big kiss and a hug!!! Martina

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  30. Jennie you write beautifully, you always have. There is no need for change; you will just evolve and that is the way it should be. I would read the phone book if you wrote it. There is just something in the way you write which grabs me. I can't put my finger on it and I wouldn't really want too, it's just what makes you, you :) x

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