H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Monday, 28 April 2014

Hello again.

It's only been a few weeks but this draft page feels both familiar and not, both at the same time. It feels familiar in all of the best ways and unfamiliar in the most exciting, albeit mildly terrifying too. I'm sitting on the floor with little Ralphie trying to nibble on my pyjamas on one side and a milky coffee in my favourite mug on the other.

Putting the mug on the floor probably wasn't the best idea. My feet seem to have an incredible knack for being violently attracted to anything on the floor, be it mug, cup, glass or bowl. If it's full of anything that will spill all over the carpet the inevitable will usually happen. They don't seem to be so attracted to empty mugs though. Typical. But honestly, I'm too comfortable to move so it's a risk I'm going to take. Living life on the wild side over here.

You know, I always thought that the day I start liking coffee is the day that I would feel old. And now I do really like coffee and I sometimes I do feel old, it's not the bad kind of old I always thought it would be. It's the wiser kind of old. The best kind. Although sometimes my back hurts and there's not really anything good about that. Wise or not. But I have discovered the wonder of the back massage. The best.

The radio silence was unintentional. At least a week had passed before I realised that writing and hitting the publish button hadn't crossed my mind. Not even once. And since I started writing here all those years ago that hadn't happened until now. It was a new experience and I wasn't really sure how I felt about it at first. So when I did finally realise that I hadn't been writing, I just couldn't get the words out. It's difficult to find the right combination of words when trying to find that right combination had fallen to the bottom of the importance list. Sometimes I think it takes something completely unexpected to make taking that step back, that I really needed to take, possible. It's like I needed something to give me permission to stop for a while. I had slowly been ensnared in that trap of completely overlooking everything good and important and necessary. Instead I was throwing too much time, energy and attention into trying to fix things that were going completely tits up because I thought it would be the end of the world if they did. In reality those things were pretty insignificant and I'm happy to have been able to leave them be. They absolutely did go tits up, but I think they were supposed to. And I think I'm supposed to be okay with that. And I am. And it feels good.

The funny thing about blogging is being able to pick a month in the past and within a few clicks it's possible to relive that time all over again. It's rare that I take down posts, but oh goodness there are a couple that are now firmly relegated to the drafts section. They're not necessarily things I want to forget but I don't want to stumble upon them accidentally when I'm not expecting it. They need to be stored in a clearly labelled box as it were. It's kind of like the utensil drawer in our kitchen, I wouldn't rummage around in there willy nilly for fear of a knife in hand incident. Open with caution. I think it's okay to have things like that. And I think it's okay for them to be a secret just for me. 

Mostly these past couple of weeks have foregrounded how incredibly lucky I am. Even though sometimes bad things happen. And sometimes I'm sad. And there will undoubtedly be periods of time in the future when other bad things will happen and I'll be sad again for a little while. But I'm so lucky to just be. To be here. To be alive. To see the sun rise. To see the sun set. To see the stars emerge from within the infinite inky blue sky that nightfall gives. To have someone who loves me even when I'm having a bad day. To have someone that I love even when he's having a bad day. All of those things and so much more deserve to be treasured. Even the bad times because they make the good times so much better. The things that we love need work. They won't ever work perfectly by themselves. The best things need work and effort and attention and time. It's part of what makes them magical. And we never know how long we have. Sometimes you can love something infinitely and it doesn't work out, for whatever reason. We can only treasure things for as long as they're with us, appreciate them and never ever forget them.

It's good to be here again. And although sometimes there might be weeks where I simply don't have anything to say and it'll be a little quiet, knowing this is here, knowing you're here gets me through. I hope you will still be here even when I inevitably don't pop up on your dashboard everyday anymore. I don't possess that same talent that many bloggers have for posting daily. I admire them enormously and I have no idea how they do it. When I tried I became someone who wasn't me. But I've found her again, she wasn't too far away. And things might be a little different around here going forward, but I think it's time I took a leaf out of nineteen-year-old-me's book. I think she was on the right path all along all those years ago, she just didn't have the self-belief to keep following it. It's time to stop choosing what is easy and have a little more faith in my voice. Things come. Things go. But we live. And we love. And we grow. And we learn.

'Where the windows are breathing in the light,
Where the rooms are a collection of our lives,

This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place that I call my home'

Thank you. For being you. For being here. For being with me.
And I'll see you soon. Unquestionably. 

...And no kicking over of the coffee occurred. You know, I think today might just be my day! 

58 comments:

  1. You write so beautifully, Jennie x

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  2. I'm thinking of you Jennie <3 xxxx

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  3. I missed your words but I'm glad you're posting and writing again. Publishing daily if it's not your thing and made you lose sight of your own voice isn't even worth the effort. I'd prefer to read something thoughtful and from the heart once a month than expecting you to churn out content all the time for the sake of 'updating'. You're so right that sometimes we just need to take a step back and really appreciate what we have, even when things don't go to plan, even when we let go and allow ourselves to be sad or to feel uncertainty. I think you have all the ingredients that matter and mean something, and your gratitude for that and your beautiful worldview make that even more meaningful and special.

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    1. Thank you, it's good to be back! <3

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  4. I've missed your voice popping up in my reader. I hope this is all a signal that life is moving in a good way for you. Sending you lots of love and also, kudos for the coffee mug :) I woulda kicked it over in a second xxx

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    1. Hehe I'm surprised I didn't! xo

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  5. I always thought the same about liking coffee and feeling older, but I definitely love coffee and feel ok. I don't know how people post daily either. I'll always come back to read your beautiful ramblings :)

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  6. I still don't like coffee but I'm always kicking drinks over & love nothing more than a good back massage. It's the way to my heart. You have a beautiful, raw and honest writing style that I've always admired. I'm ready for your next post, whenever that may be! Sending lots of Rawr love.

    Tara xo

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  7. Very happy to see you back Jennie, hope you're doing alright xx

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  8. Oh I hope you're ok, darling girl x

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  9. Sharing love and hugs. I just love how you write. It's so nice to see you back x

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  10. just want you to know i'll forever love reading what you write xx. the way you write just has me nodding along all the time! funnily enough i've also been going through kind of a blogging dry spell where the blogger draft page has been feeling foreign, and writing just doesn't come to me, and i just can't seem to get myself to write something that i'm happy with. strangely enough, it doesn't bother me as much as i thought it would. ive just put blogging on pause and it feels okay. it's always good to remember to stay true to yourself, something i think i really need to try harder at sometimes. i've been really behind on blogs - writing AND reading, and yet among everything i came across this post of yours, writing about exactly what i'm going through right now. i think the universe is working its little magic here! just want you to know that all the way across the world, i am thinking of you, and i share how you feel too :)

    rachel x
    blush&brunch

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    1. Sometimes hitting the pause button on things is the right thing for so many reasons. Taking a break is always okay! I love when the Universe points us in the right direction <3

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  11. It's great to have you back with another beautiful post Jennie! <3

    Just know we all love, care and support you whatever happens (:

    Sophie xo

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  12. I love reading your thoughts, it's good to have you back and I hope you're okay! I also admire those people who post daily, I'm not sure I could manage it haha xx

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    1. I have no idea how they do it hehe xo

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  13. You write so beautifully Jennie,
    Missed you, but thinking of you.
    Hope all is well. <3

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  14. Oh Jennie this is such a lovely post. I'm glad you've returned to writing and that you have this space - everybody needs a place to think aloud. XX

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  15. You are in such a reflective mood, so poetic...so beautifully written...but, like everyone else, I hope you are ok. Life is always full of ups and down. It's what makes life so interesting to live through. Though you take mini breaks to find yourself...we all still love reading and supporting what you have to say!

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  16. i love your thoughts Jennie ! missed you :) xx
    www.ambifashion.com

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  17. I'm glad You're back. I really missed Your blogging :)

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  18. Add my name to the list of people who are glad to hear that you're back, and son't even think about worrying that you don't post everyday - the old 'quality over quantity' cliché has stuck around for a reason! It's much better to write when you really want, rather than churning it out for the sake of it.

    I love it when a new post from you pops up in my feed, because your posts always make me think, or laugh out loud, or nod my head in agreement and I can't think of a single blogs-every-day type who I feel that way about!

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    1. Thank you Hannah, that means the world! xo

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  19. I've missed you <3
    http://coeursdefoxes.blogspot.com/

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  20. Oh I actually missed you Jennie. You have such beautiful thoughts on being away from the blog world. I hope to read more of your thoughts.

    My feet also tends to get violent on its own when there are mugs and cups around. I tend to kick everything and spill the coffee/tea in the mugs. Clumsy me.
    Stay around.

    xoxo

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    1. Thank you lovely, it's good to be back <3

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  21. It's so lovely to have you back sweetie :) x

    Megan / pixiecrop.com

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  22. I'm glad you're back Jennie, I missed your writing, you truly have a gift! I actually feel like I can relate to this post so don't feel alone, especially since there are so many readers that love you, oh and congrats on not spilling the coffee!

    Kate xx

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    1. Thank you so much, Kate! <3 x

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  23. So glad to see you back, Jennie - I'd missed reading your words! Good on you for taking the time you need, there's no point forcing things and making yourself miserable.
    I hope your day continued to be awesome from the not-kicking-over-of-the-coffee onwards! :)

    Jess xo

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  24. I will still be here and probably miss you when you won't be on my dashboard like I missed you these past days.
    Andreea | http://catsfika.blogspot.ro/

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  25. this is such a cute reflective post and yeah I can relate, esp the whole coffee when you're older thing. And yeah it's good to stop and think of all the things we have even if we are having a bad day!

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  26. I'm so happy so see you back here, you've been really missed, your writing is really nice :) x

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Thank you so much for reading! I love when you leave your thoughts so I would love if you left me a little comment, I read every single one, they mean so much and I try my very best to reply to each one!

You are very welcome to leave a link to your blog in your comment, but please just leave one link and I ask you not to promote giveaways. Thank you for understanding. With love, Jennie May xo