When I was a child my main thoughts involved ensuring I did well at school, more to make my mum proud than anything else. When I was a young teenager I thought a lot about making friends, which became something I found difficult as I didn't really feel like I was meant to be where I was, so instead retreated inwards where it was easier. All of my close friends throughout primary school moved away and I think I just felt a bit stuck. As an older teen I thought a lot about how I looked and about the future, which at that time involved having my photographs in galleries and living carefree in an Edinburgh apartment.
And then I went to art school. Applied to University, got in, dropped out. Got an awful job I wasn't very good at. Applied to University, got in, dropped out. Got an awful job I wasn't very good at. Moved. Got another awful job. Quit. Finally got my BA in English.
So as a new stage begins, here are some of the things I currently think about...
- What the hell are you doing, Jennifer? (Even I use my full name when I'm having a few stern words with myself!)
- Am I reading enough? I should be reading more.
- Will my body allow me to to become a mother one day? This one comes together with; I really need to stop actively avoiding pregnant women. It's reached the point of unfollowing some previous favourite blogs because they're expanding their families. I think I might be a terrible person. It's not that I'm not happy for them, oh gosh, I am. I should stop running away from things under the pretense of looking out for myself. It's not always the best thing to do. Metaphorically running away that is...
- Which leads me on to; do more exercise. It's not fun, but it's good for you. Also I should drink more water. I should make a chart for that and keep track.
- How do you know when you're ready for something? Do you just know? Do you never know? Do you just do it anyway and wing it whilst hoping for the best? I think it might be the latter.
- Maybe I should paint the whole house white.
- Will I ever write the word stationery/stationary and not momentarily question if I've used the right one?
- What would Hermione do? What would Luna do? I should probably do something somewhere in the middle.
- I don't write enough. Why don't I write enough?
- Would I like to be able to fit most of my possessions into a couple of small suitcases, or am I just trying to suppress my inner clutterbug?
- Perhaps I could still do something with my photographs.
And what I've learnt from writing these things down is that I need to think less and do more.
* * *