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Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Some Things I Think About Quite A Lot

I can mark out the different stages in my life by the shifts in the thoughts that set up camp in my head and perpetuate until they either get solved and turned into a palpable feeling, or become so irrelevant they silently get up, gather their things and sidle out with a slightly embarrassed look mumbling something about having the wrong room.

When I was a child my main thoughts involved ensuring I did well at school, more to make my mum proud than anything else. When I was a young teenager I thought a lot about making friends, which became something I found difficult as I didn't really feel like I was meant to be where I was, so instead retreated inwards where it was easier. All of my close friends throughout primary school moved away and I think I just felt a bit stuck. As an older teen I thought a lot about how I looked and about the future, which at that time involved having my photographs in galleries and living carefree in an Edinburgh apartment.

And then I went to art school. Applied to University, got in, dropped out. Got an awful job I wasn't very good at. Applied to University, got in, dropped out. Got an awful job I wasn't very good at. Moved. Got another awful job. Quit. Finally got my BA in English.

So as a new stage begins, here are some of the things I currently think about...

  1. What the hell are you doing, Jennifer? (Even I use my full name when I'm having a few stern words with myself!)
  2. Am I reading enough? I should be reading more.
  3. Will my body allow me to to become a mother one day? This one comes together with; I really need to stop actively avoiding pregnant women. It's reached the point of unfollowing some previous favourite blogs because they're expanding their families. I think I might be a terrible person. It's not that I'm not happy for them, oh gosh, I am. I should stop running away from things under the pretense of looking out for myself. It's not always the best thing to do. Metaphorically running away that is...
  4. Which leads me on to; do more exercise. It's not fun, but it's good for you. Also I should drink more water. I should make a chart for that and keep track.
  5. How do you know when you're ready for something? Do you just know? Do you never know? Do you just do it anyway and wing it whilst hoping for the best? I think it might be the latter.
  6. Maybe I should paint the whole house white.
  7. Will I ever write the word stationery/stationary and not momentarily question if I've used the right one?
  8. What would Hermione do? What would Luna do? I should probably do something somewhere in the middle.
  9. I don't write enough. Why don't I write enough?
  10. Would I like to be able to fit most of my possessions into a couple of small suitcases, or am I just trying to suppress my inner clutterbug?
  11. Perhaps I could still do something with my photographs.

And what I've learnt from writing these things down is that I need to think less and do more.  

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P.S. Please welcome my 'All Aboard' partner for August, Loved by Laura
And please also say hello to Emilia Leigh and Laugh With Me Le Le

27 comments:

  1. Oh Jennie this is like reading about my life! Thinking is one of those awful things that consumes you and almost becomes unnecessary, even though it is massively necessary so that you can make opinions and decisions. I think our minds tend to wander out of curiosity and sometimes fear. I'm always hoping that I am going to be able to have children, because you just don't know until you try, especially as I've always longed to be a mother.

    Lovely post as always xxx

    LittleGlitter.org

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  2. This is so incredibly accurate. Right now the thought I'm stuck on is "Am I wasting my existence?" but I'm realising that in worrying about wasting my existence I'm actually wasting my existence even more aha. It's so strange because I know hypothetically people could be having these type of thoughts all the time but you just don't see it, all you see is the surface and their perfect instagram profiles. In any case you're a brilliant writer so I hope you do write more.
    Thanks for giving us all a glimpse into your head!
    :)

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  3. How strange, number 3 is something I think about quite a bit sometimes. The unknown is a scary thing but I guess that's what makes life so beautiful too. I think you need to remember that you are good enough too, Jennie. All of these scream self doubt to me, and I'm reminding you that you are great xx

    Sam // Samantha Betteridge

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  4. I think one of the main thoughts that continuously pops into my head is 'am I making the most of it?'. You're completely right though - we can never truly make the most of it until we stop thinking and start doing. Such a brilliant post, as always xx

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  5. Aw, we sound very similar. I've let the inner clutterbug loose, I don't try to suppress it anymore. I should, however, try and be tidier. And the stationary one! I think I've finally cracked it, I just have to think carefully first. Less thinking and more doing is key here, but I know from experience that this isn't easy. Much love xxx

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  6. Oh gosh wouldn't it be wonderful (and slightly terrifying) if we could momentarily slide inside anothers thoughts process haha!! Your trail of thoughts sound very similar to mine - especially the drink more water and do more reading! I have been keeping a journal recently and write down my most prominent thoughts. I love to organise my "head". Great post lovely x x x x

    Zoe Newlove Beauty Blogger & MUA

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  7. I often think numbers 4 and 5 myself on a regular basis haha - although, I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one! I really love how unique some of your post ideas are Jennie, keep up the hard work :)

    Michaela-lLeigh xx

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  8. i love your thoughts and can relate to quite a few of them! i know what you mean by sub dividing your life by how your thoughts have shifted over the years. that's exactly how i feel. my mind has a way to fully convince myself to stand by certain ideas at some points in my life, which are not always the best ideas... that's just how things go i guess :) things turn out the way they do and leads us to things we least expect!

    rachel x
    blush&brunch

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  9. Sounds like your head is filled with a whirlwind of thoughts at the moment! One and two definitely apply to me too, lol...

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  10. Love this post. I don't think you're alone in thinking most of the above and your conclusion is something to live by. =^-^=

    Sam | Momentarily Dreaming

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  11. I feel the same at the moment... I know that I don't want children but still feel uneasy seeing pregnancy in real life or on social media - it makes me feel self doubt which I know I don't have! Argh! x
    LilyLipstick

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  12. My head is like this! Especially the exercise and water comment. And doing things with my photographs! xx
    Love Alice ♥

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  13. Gosh, I think about #3 too which id ridiculous because the thought of getting pregnant within the next 5 years TERRIFIES me but this is a contstant fear - I think it's because we're told how hard it is to get pregnant the older you get but how can we have kids if we want careers and we can't afford houses/them? LIFE.

    Tara x

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  14. I don't think you're running away - I think you're doing what's right for you, and that doesn't make you a terrible person, it makes you strong. Because you have to be strong to say 'This is too hard for me/it scares me, I need to take a step back and take care of myself'.

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  15. #6 is very me. And it's all down to things like Pinterest. I love colour on my walls and I don't know why I suddenly feel the need to conform! In fact so many of these are ones I nodded along in agreement too - doesn't the mind tie us in knots sometimes?

    Laura | Loved By Laura

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  16. I love this post Jennie. Thinking is so overrated. The brain thinks it can solve all our problems but it can't and we usually just end up in perpetuating thought cycles that can be unhealthy. Focusing on the 'here and now' can be hard but I'm definitely finding it a lot kinder to myself. I also never know if it's stationery/stationary!

    Barbie Sparkles | Beauty, +SizeFashion and Lifestyle Blog

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  17. I love this post! I can relate so much to this! I overthink everything; especially when new periods start. Gorgeous post girl!
    WritingMonique

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  18. I think you can do whatever you want to do Jennie! You're so talented in so many different areas :) I've recently started exercising more lately, and I still don't love it but it's becoming part of my routine now so it doesn't bother me quite as much! xxx

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  19. A teacher in primary school taught me the way to remember it is- stationery has an e like envelope. If that makes sense? In that envelope is stationery. I'm bad at this. I'm sure my teacher explained it much better haha.

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  20. You'll figure everything out Jennie, please try not to worry <3 xx

    Ioanna | Hearting.co.uk

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  21. Such a lovely post, and I am sure things will fall into place. Although, your last sentence certainly sums up my entire life!

    Annabel ♥
    Mascara & Maltesers

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  22. I love this post, and I can definitely understand how you're feeling - #2 and #9 are basically my life summed up. And although you can gradually feel more prepared, I don't think you are ever fully ready for something, or at least you never think you are. I've had this conversation with my mum quite a lot, and her conclusion is that everyone is winging it to an extent haha xx

    Toasty

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  23. I can relate to this so much, Jennie. Thank you for sharing this. You're honestly not alone in feeling like you have no idea what you're doing, I'm completely there with you. I'm trying to change that, but I feel like it's out of my hands a little.

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  24. A beautifully written post, I often have stern words with myself and call myself by my surname when I do. I should definitely be reading more too.

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  25. I love this Jennie - such an honest post.
    It's quite scary to look back and realise just how much time we've wasted thinking about things that don't. even. matter. anymore!

    Jess xo
    http://just-jesss.blogspot.co.uk

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  26. Beautiful, Jennie, this is so lovely. I don't know your reasons for unfollowing bloggers who expand families but I do the same (and occasionally with people getting married - it's not that I'mnot super-duper happy and joyful for them, it's just something that makes me uneasy in some weird way when confonted with that on my blog feed). I'm not sure what that says about me apart from a) I need to grow up b) I'm a nasty person potentially, but that's just the way things are for now I suppose. I'm working on it. xx

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    1. I think it's okay to want to shield ourselves from things, whatever the reason. I know that I'm happy for them, but at the same time I feel like I just need to protect myself from those feelings of sadness and worry that come with thinking about whether similar events will be part of my future or not. I don't think that makes us nasty people, at least I hope not. We're not doing it to be malicious :) xx

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