H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Friday, 1 January 2016

Dear January, 2016.

How are you? A question that can be both innocent and probing, depending on who is behind the words. There are those that a 'fine thank you, you?' will placate. And those people who already know the answer isn't that, but who want to hear you say it aloud. Who want to penetrate the wall you've built to try and protect yourself, because they know the wall isn't working. You're standing in the shadow of your own self constructed prison. It takes away your sunlight. The darkness looms overhead. And the only way to induce change is to chip away until the wall begins to fall. It's messy. It's difficult. And you're left with a pile of bricks and dust that need to be dispersed before you can step out of the shadows and back into the world.

Much of 2015 was filled with half finished writings, a distinct lack of photographing, rare outings, little bravery, no pride in what I was doing and very few meaningful connections. What do you do when you hit an all time emotional low? Well, to be honest I have no idea. But after an extended period of time (that I can only imagine must be different for everyone, it's just sort of, well, whenever you feel ready) it's now time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again. And it just so happens that for me this has coincided with the dawning of a whole new year. A year in which I can discover and grow into whoever I want to be. Cliche perhaps, but it's a neat little metaphor I'll keep close beside me.
What sparked my changing thought process? Well, I went to New York. And the world opened up. I saw glimpses of the person I would be if I were a New Yorker. And I liked that person. And then I realised that that person was still me. Another part of me I didn't know was in there. But me none the less. And while I may not be in New York in person anymore, part of my soul certainly is and it's soaking up the energy of immediacy that encapsulates the city. The kind that makes you believe that there is something out there in this big wide world waiting for you to see, an opportunity to be seized, a person to meet, an event that will change your very being forever. 

In December I unplugged. Spent some time alone, giving myself a stern talking to. Spent time with my family, who I am grateful to have because they give me a comfortable space in which to simply be, for as long as I need. Decorated the tree. Gave presents. Opened presents. Watched an almost uncountable amount of Christmas films. Passed around boxes of chocolates. Made a small dent in the enormous bottle of gin my mum bought me. Laughed. Cried a bit at how fortunate I am but how complicated I seem to insist on making things for myself. Un-decorated the tree. Started making proper dinners again; turns out there is a limit to how many days in a row I can have cheese and biscuits and still feel good. It's three days. Found exactly the right book to get stuck into after a bit of a reading drought. Saw in the New Year with cake and gin and sandwiches and singing. I'm still working my way through that bottle of gin, it may just take me all year. And now it is time to plug back in.

There's a difference between not caring what people think of you or what you're doing and believing that no one cares. The former was liberating. The latter made me reckless in the worst way. There were days where I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and I don't ever ever ever want to feel like that again. I should have reread this a little more often, I think. Although I suppose I wasn't brave enough. But getting on a plane has taught me that I can be brave and I'm starting to believe that maybe I can write. Maybe it's something I can be good at if I give myself the chance. And so...

a few plans for two thousand and sixteen so far...
Figuring out the dream.
Being brave enough to reach out and saying hello, can we be friends?
Seeing Adele again, and maybe, very probably, cry singing along to When We Were Young.
The Cursed Child play!
A trip to the seaside.
A wander around London.
Cinema trips - The BFG, Fantastic Beasts!
Books galore. No particular numerical goal, just picking up whatever I feel like at the time.
Believing that I can write.
Going to see some Shakespeare.
Write. No excuses. Just write.

You've stood by my side through thick and thin, even when I haven't deserved it. Thank you. Sincerely, thank you. And so here's to a brand new year. Not a whole new me. I'm the same person, just a little bit different. A little like this space. It's not new, but it will be something a little bit different. Because I am not afraid. I am capable. And I'm beginning to believe in myself.


Happy New Year to you and yours. 
This is your year. 
To be who you want to be. 
To do what you want to do.
You've got this. 
I believe in you.

Share one of your goals for this year in a comment?
I would love to learn a little more about about you.

All my love, 
Jennie



50 comments:

  1. Jennie, I've always followed your blog and sang your song. Because, quite frankly we're all 'complicated' and someday's I have no idea what I'm doing either.
    I spent 9 months of 2015 tormented day in day out - I didn't recognize myself either, I know I still have a lot to figure out too - but darn it's hard to even know where to start.
    I want to write until my hearts content and tell the world how much I love it. Like you, I travelled a great journey. I saw a different country, and fell in love.
    Everyday I thank Thailand for opening my heart to possibility - if I can store the love of Bangkok, and the glorious Islands we visited, then I can project that into something beautiful, I just know.

    And, I know maybe me and you both can find that long lost dream.

    Alice x
    p.s I'll always be your friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alice, thank you so much for always being so kind. I hope this year is kind to us both! <3

      Delete
  2. Happy new year, Jennie! Love this post <3 x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy new year wonderful lady - thank you! xo

      Delete
  3. Happy New Year, Jennie! Loved reading this post and I'm sorry to hear you've had a tougher time than most lately. I feel as though 2015 will always go down as a highlight for me yet I spent much of it feeling lost and mostly alone~ I 100% agree that travel opens your mind to new ways and possibilities! I feel it every time I visit a new district, city and even when I flew home for Christmas (: wishing you every health, hope and happiness for 2016 xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy new year, Michelle! I hope this year is even better than the last for you! <3

      Delete
  4. Happy New Year, Jennie! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and time in New York. Good luck with your plans and I hope you have a great year :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy new year, Sian! I hope this year is kind to you <3

      Delete
  5. It's amazing what travel can do for the mind and soul :) Happy New Year! My mantra for the year is "curiosity." And yess, I want to watch those two films as well! -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Curiosity is a brilliant word for this year. I hope it's a good one for you! <3

      Delete
  6. Happy New Year! This one sounds a little mediocre but I don't really like the whole resolution thing because I'm not that great at setting myself goals. But after being compelled by the drama And Then There Were None on BBC One this Christmas, I really want to read some Agatha Christie this year.

    franalibi.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! It was so good, wasn't it? I've only read one Agatha Christie book before, but I have some others on my shelf that I'm looking forward to this year too! x

      Delete
  7. This is lovely, Jennie. Happy new year! I'm still not sure what I want my goals to be this year, but I do know I want to work towards being a stronger, happier me.
    Ellie xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds pretty perfect to me. Happy new year, Ellie! x

      Delete
  8. Lovely post. Isn't life just a rollercoaster sometimes?
    One of my goals this year is to try more new things.
    Happy New Year, Jennie! :)

    http://IAmLinderella.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It definitely is! Happy new year <3

      Delete
  9. Ohh, happy new year my love. I honestly hope for you that this is the best year ever. You CAN do it and you WILL. We all believe in you <3

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry you've had some tough times Jennie, I so hope 2016 is much brighter and happier for you! How exciting that you went to New York though? NYC is always a good idea but in your case it seems like it couldn't have come at a better time. Good luck with your new year goals, they all sound fun and perfectly doable - you got this! Good to see you back chick x

    Josie | Sick Chick Chic

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for always being so kind, Josie! <3

      Delete
  11. Happy New Year, Jennie! <3
    I'm sorry to hear 2015 has been tough for you, here's hoping 2016 will be the one! I know it's tough to pick yourself up and carry on, you are one brave lady. Lots of love!

    Jess xo
    http://just-jesss.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy new year, Jess! Thank you for always being so lovely, it's so appreciated! xo

      Delete
  12. Happy New Year Jennie, I really hope 2016 is better for you. Good luck with your goals, I have every faith in you that you can achieve them all - you're an incredible person xx

    Sam // Samantha Betteridge

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Sam! Happy new year, you're the best! xo

      Delete
  13. Life is definitely a rollercoaster.
    I totally get your goal of working out the dream. I really hope by the end of this year I will know exactly what I want, and can start striving towards it. You too x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope 2016 is kind to both of us! x

      Delete
  14. Jennie, what a beautiful, beautiful post, you brought a tear to my eye. I know a little of what it feels like to not want to get out of bed or have anyone ask "how are you?", I hope your 2016 is the frsh start that you deserve.

    I know it's a bit of a cliche but my resolution is to do more yoga. I always feel better when I'm moving regularly but it's hard to find the motivation to leave the house and the anxiety of going to a class knowing that I'll be too stiff to do most of the poses has been holding me back.

    Jessthetics xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Jessica! Yoga is something I'd like to do more too - I hear Yoga with Adriene on youtube is the place to be! I hope 2016 is kind to you <3

      Delete
  15. Love this post! My 2016 resolution is to make my blog popular and to start painting!
    Like you, I would like to revisit London and read as much as I can.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh painting - lovely! Good luck with your goals <3

      Delete
  16. Happy New Year Jennie! I hope you have a wonderful 2016 - you got this too. You can most definitely write, and I wish you lots of luck with your goals. One of mine is to find a job or an internship after I graduate (fingers crossed!) xx

    Toasty

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy new year, Beth! And good luck with the job/internship search - I'm sure you will find your perfect first role! xx

      Delete
  17. Happy new year!
    My goal for 2016 is yet to be decided. I am in a complex situation and I don't know how to get out of it or even if I should.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope that you manage to figure things out, trust in yourself to make the right decision!

      Delete
  18. Happy New Year!! I absolutely loved this post and I hope you accomplish all your goals and more this year!!

    One of my goals is probably to read a ton more books this year from more varied genres :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy New Year! That sounds like an excellent goal to me, it's one of mine too <3

      Delete
  19. Jennie, thank you so much for your comment on my blog! You have no idea how happy you made me! It's a good start of the year for me! I wish you a great 2016! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so welcome! I hope 2016 is kind to you <3

      Delete
  20. Jennie I am so pleased you're back. I'm sorry you've been feeling so low but I am so glad you're feeling ready to face the world again. Please believe me when I say your writing is captivating, inspiring and beautiful - you can definitely write. YOU ARE AMAZING. Don't forget it xx

    Ioanna | Hearting.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh you're always too kind to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you <3

      Delete
  21. I believe in you, too.
    Always have and always will.
    Also, I just know you are a writer.
    You don't have to publish a novel to be a writer, although who knows what will happen. This right here is beautiful, deep, honest writing.
    I wish you all the best for 2016, I hope it will be kinder to you and I hope you will never lose sight of how amazing and capable of greatness you are. Trust yourself.

    Daphne :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Daphne! Happy New Year, I hope it's a good one for you <3

      Delete
  22. Beautifully written as always! Sorry 2015 was such a hard one for you, wishing you all the best for 2016 I'm sure you'll be able to make it what you want xo

    ReplyDelete
  23. Jennie, I found this post so, so unbelievably moving. You've been so strong and brave this year even when you think you haven't. I am SO glad you had such an incredible time in New York. Your readers will always be here, whether you post or not - the words you write and have written are so wonderful and I often visit your blog and stroll through the archives. Happy New Year to you and I hope it's a fantastic one.

    Also, when is this wander in London? If you would like to go a cup of tea/gin with me when you're in London then please let me know xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Laila. I hope it's a fantastic one for you too!

      I'm coming to see the Harry Potter play in August, but I'll hopefully make it down before then too. Will definitely let you know the details! x

      Delete
  24. Happy New Year! I hope you will do well on your goals. I think my main goal is to try and see good in others. More often than not I jump to the worst conclusion and I should stop doing that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy new year! I think that's a great goal to have <3

      Delete

Thank you so much for reading! I love when you leave your thoughts so I would love if you left me a little comment, I read every single one, they mean so much and I try my very best to reply to each one!

You are very welcome to leave a link to your blog in your comment, but please just leave one link and I ask you not to promote giveaways. Thank you for understanding. With love, Jennie May xo