Thursday, 14 April 2016
Pretending / Not.
But when I gave myself permission to finally feel something again it was like opening the curtains after a long winter night. And at first it was as though I was an outsider looking into my life, my soul, my very being and I couldn't see very much at all. An almost void. Near emptiness that was being thinly veiled by anything I could grasp and hold on to tightly for long enough to deflect any eyes that may have been trying to peek inside, because if no one else knows there's nothing there, then there's nothing wrong.
But for the first time in a long time, there was something new there. It may only have been whispers from the ghost of the girl who once felt like she could take on the world and come out on top, but all we ever need is the reassurance that there's still something, someone in there somewhere.
So I may not have an answer. There probably isn't one. Answers are rare and often disappointing beings. But I do know that although feelings of giving in may try to seduce you, it's often the easy option, and sometimes you do have to do things that feel impossible. Things that will take everything that you possibly have to give. Pretend that it's easier than it is if it helps to get you through, but being honest, even simply with yourself, can feel like standing on top of the tallest hill, staring up towards a starry sky at midnight and shouting hello, here I am.