H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

Dear June.


I'm writing this sitting on a permanently uncomfortable no-amount-of-cushions-seems-to-help sofa, singing along to retro Britney songs. I cling to moments like this. Moment of frivolity. Unconstrained silliness. Because I've been doubting myself. A lot. And it's becoming a bit of a problem because it's now at the point where I talk myself out of doing anything before I've even started. I'm sabotaging myself and potentially the new dreams I didn't really know I had.

I've been thinking a lot about hope, and how intrinsically it's entwined with hopelessness. Without one we wouldn't know how it felt to experience the other. But it's impossible to get anywhere when I find myself talking myself out of doing something before it's even a fully formed idea or concept in my mind. And that's not letting myself hope at all. That's pure hopelessness when there's no need for it. So I may naturally find myself drawn to melancholy, but I'm vowing to at least let myself try. After all, if I never try it's impossible to know what could have been.

As I've been writing I've been thinking of all the things I thought I wanted to do over the years, and there are a small handful of things I feel regret for not having started already. And I suppose that's the best indicator of which way to start walking, to begin clearing a path through the overgrowth of indecision and uncertainty, and to make a start - even if I'm not quite brave enough to tell myself that I fully believe in myself. But just because I haven't been able to make anything significant happen just yet, doesn't mean there isn't time. And maybe, just maybe, I have stopped myself from wandering down entirely the wrong path for me because it was the most convenient at the time. Convenience, in my experience, has many a wrong decision made.

So here's to hope. Sometimes hope is all there is. A sliver of light in the distance. A belief, no matter how squashed and buried underneath a thousand other thoughts, that making something happen isn't impossible.

- Jennie.

19 comments:

  1. Oh Jennie, firstly, YES to Britney songs. After reading this, I thought of this quote:

    You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it.

    So true!!

    T x

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  2. Oh Jennie, I adore this post. Hope. Even the word fills me with a mixture of want, inspiration and also guilt. I'm so guilty of not believing - in myself, in the world. There are so many things I 'hope' will happen, and so many things I 'hope' I'll do, or have time for, one day. Maybe you don't need to feel brave before you start. Perhaps bravery happens along the way, and you'll look back once you've done it and say, hey! I *was* brave, I *can* do this. Sending you lots of love xxx

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    1. I think bravery perhaps does happen somewhere along the way. Thank you. And I believe in you! x

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  3. Jennie-- I love this post. So raw and genuine. All of us has felt like this in our lives and sometimes it doesn't go away for a while. But remember, step by step you'll get there. I've found it's not the speed at which we travel but the direction! Make June great! xX

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  4. Convenience and indecision are the bane of my existence :P Sometimes moving in the wrong direction is preferable to not moving at all. At least then you know you've made the wrong move and can take steps to get on the right track, whereas if you don't move at all, you're stuck -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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  5. If you never try, you'll never know how amazing you can be x

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  6. I genuinely believe you can do anything, Jennie <3 I used to feel like this a lot, but all you can do is just dive in and try your best - figure things out as you go :) ♥ x

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  7. This post is so moving. You explain yourself and your feelings/thoughts with such honesty. I hope this month brings you so much hope and faith in yourself. You really do have a gift for writing.

    All very best wishes.
    Keep Calm and start writing
    23millymay25.blogspot.co.uk

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  8. Your writing really resonates with me. I've recently had a lot of free time but have kind of been talking myself out of doing all the things I told myself I would do. I hope everything goes great this month, I believe in you!

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    1. Thank you so much, I believe in you too!

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  9. I've just been reading Marina Keegan's book of essays and both that book and this post has made me want to go out there and work my ass off and go after my dreams. I've been taking a break from blogging, but now I really want to go and write a post again, so thank you so much for inspiring me. Like you always do with your posts. I think indecisiveness is something very human and you just have to let it happen sometimes. Love, Eline

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    1. I need to reread her work, so inspiring. And gosh, you're welcome. Happy writing!! <3

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  10. Oh, Jennie, I want to wrap my arms around these words and give them a big squeeze (and maybe have a little cry). This sense of hopelessness and sabotage has plagued me recently, with negative thoughts swirling round my head that I've made certain decisions for not-so-great reasons and now I'm too far gone to go back on them. I'm trying to remember that if we don't like the path we're on we can always choose another one (even if it's harder, scarier and more tiring than staying put).

    x

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