H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Monday, 14 August 2017

Ink, Fluorescence & Fog


F L U O R E S C E N C E   A N D   F O G

Hello and thank you for joining me amongst these digital cobwebs and layers of dust so thick you can  so clearly write your name in. This blank page feels like a challenge and so I suppose it finally feels as though my urge, although perhaps need is a more accurate word, to write here is beginning to return. I have already written and rewritten these words countless times. This tentativeness and uncertainty comes from the knowledge that blogging now is very much about consistency and niches, metrics and optimisation, numbers and professional imagery, all of which are both legitimate and understandable in their own ways. However, I also know that I simply do not possess either the talent, the energy, nor, in all honesty, the desire to compete at that level. And I finally, truly, think that's okay. It's okay if nobody reads. It's okay if this is just me, rattling around between these margins. It's peaceful and safe. And after all, it is what it once was, in the beginning.

Feeling things, really feeling things, sometimes isn't so easy, you know? And sometimes feeling things comes a little too easily. Too quick to process, too confusing to comprehend in that moment. Sometimes this means revelling in those fluorescent moments and other times it means figuring out how to fight through the fog. In the past I have been told these kinds of writings are too 'woe is me' and while that was never even anywhere close to my intention, I see now that I simply didn't have the right words then. I didn't have the ability to compose sentences that accurately represented the physical act of progressing through the motions of simply trying to figure things out. And, honestly, I'm not sure that has changed. But we're all doing it. Every day. We all have things. Thoughts. Difficulties. Stuff. Although I'm not sure it's quite true that nobody knows what they're doing, I do know that I don't. I also know that I'm okay with it because perpetual uncertainty seems to inherently be part of who I am and a lot of the time it's pretty rad not really knowing what's going to happen. And so although putting such an ethereal state of feeling into words, into tangible sentences and paragraphs is really fucking difficult, it feels... time? Like, it's time to write this stuff down properly. It might be the right thing to do and it might not be, but the same can be said for a lot of things.

So, here I am. This, lo-fi and imperfect, can't ever be everything, but it won't be a supercut.



M E L O D R A M A

It is probably unsurprising to learn that I'm still listening to Melodrama. On repeat. Quite frankly I'm relieved this love affair isn't over yet because I'm nowhere close to being ready to let go. Every time I listen my body seems to find a new line to spontaneously burst into tears to which, I think, is both testament to Ella's talent but also to my own ability to hold on to something so allusive that I clearly need to work through. Or at least pinpoint.

Current Melodrama favourites:
 Writer in the Dark
 Liability (Reprise)
 Perfect Places

L U S T   F O R   L I F E

Lana's work always seems to present itself to me as a bit of an enigma and it's something I cherish, wholeheartedly. I would be lying if I said I didn't appreciate almost every form of instant gratification, but there's something distinctly alluring about being encouraged to pause and to really mull things over. It may always take a few listens but as soon as I begin to get it, everything unfurls and I'm immersed in a distinct blanket of nostalgia and haze. Sometimes I think the best way to listen is after dark, with headphones and tucked underneath your favourite blankets. Lust for Life, at least to me, is glassy and syrupy, melancholy and sultry. And that description relies too much on cliches that don't even begin to accurately capture Lana's unique way of seeing, but it's all I've got right now.

Lust For Life favourites:
 13 Beaches
 Cherry
 Beautiful People Beautiful Problems

'It's never too late to be who you want to be, to say what you want to say.'

I N K

After thinking about getting a tattoo for at least a decade, I actually did. Ideas for designs have naturally come and quietly evaporated in that time, however the desire to choose to make a piece of art permanently a part of me has only grown. I keep finding myself starting sentences with "it's mostly not this deep but...", which I think means that, to me, it probably is that deep. It's a cliche but life is short and I think new experiences present the opportunity for us all to understand a little but more about ourselves.

I don't deal in regrets, to the extent that I now try not to even acknowledge the concept. That doesn't stop my methodical decision making process, which is both a blessing and a curse, and I can't shake my tendency to ruminate over things for excessively long periods of time. But while I could have made this decision ten years ago, gone to get that tiny anchor on the side of my wrist that I really wanted and used to think about a lot, I didn't. I'm certain I would have loved it and would still love it, but that almost feels like another life and I honestly have no idea what that version of Jennie would be doing right now. Not that a tiny anchor would have changed really anything at all, but that singular decision probably would have impacted many others.

Regardless, this version of me has experienced this transformative process at a time when, honestly, I think I really needed it. And if needed isn't quite the right word, at a time when I am wholeheartedly open to the process of appreciating everything a single decision can bring.

D R E A M Y

Following advice from my tattoo artist it's now pretty safe to say I'm hooked on Dream Cream from Lush. I haven't really explored Lush very much, but now I'm wondering if I've been missing out? I'm not really one for bath bombs, but their shampoo bars look interesting. If you have any recommendations or favourite Lush products I'd love to know!

S A S S Y   M E R M A I D   M A G I C

I haven't been reading a lot outside my MA, mostly because my time management has been ridiculous, but one of my favourite recent reads has been Aurabel by Laura Dockrill. It's a sort of sequel/companion novel to Lorali, which I read last year, and it's sparkling and smart, fresh and utterly glorious. It's got sassy, super resourceful mermaids aplenty and sometimes that's just what you need, you know?

DT Pouches // DT Coin Purses


D R E A M   T E A M

It's no secret that I'm more than a little bit in love with Dianne Tanner's work and after eyeing up this dreamy pouch for a little while I decided to make it mine. I don't like carrying too much around with me if I can help it, so this is perfect for the essentials and as I've used it every day so far, I think it's probably one of the best purchases I have made all year.

W O R D S

I have taken on some more varied freelance writing projects and although I would be lying if I said it's something I think I'm good at, I am everlastingly grateful for the opportunities and for the knowledge I am gaining in the process. Thinking about the path I'd like to take in the future, I have decided that if it is within my possibilities I would like to pursue a PhD. I really have no idea if it is within my abilities to shape a proposal that is good enough to be accepted, but time will tell. I still have over a year of my MA left, and I think a lot of my questions will be answered in that time.

F U T U R E   I N K

They say tattoos are addictive and I think there's probably quite a lot of truth in that. I'm not naive enough to believe I won't ever have any issues ever again, but I haven't had a single negative thought about my body in a little while and I don't think it's a coincidence that the last time I inspected every inch of myself in the mirror was the day before I got my first tattoo. Since that day I have instead been marvelling at the ability of my body to heal itself and to accept something that I have chosen, in spite of those hours of discomfort the process necessarily required. There's a lesson for my mind in there somewhere and although I'm not quite certain what that is yet, I do know that I look (mostly) the same but I feel so different, which is unexpectedly exhilarating and even more empowering than I ever could have hoped for.

P O S T   P L A Y L I S T :

☾ Perfect Places - Lorde
★ 13 Beaches - Lana Del Rey
☾ Praying - Kesha
★ Goodnight and Go - Imogen Heap
 River Song - A Fine Frenzy

See you soon.

xo

     
Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

15 comments:

  1. Loving that Dream Cream made it into your blog post too! What a coincidence! I really enjoy their face masks, particularly the chocolate one, they're perfect for a relaxing night in.
    I LOVE Lana Del Rey, she tends to get lumped in with the cardboard cut-out pretty white girl singers but I really think she deserves more attention and appreciation. Her music is like a masterclass in beautiful but uncomfortable truths and there's so much to pick apart.

    Congrats on your ink too! Looks gorgeous :)

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    1. Definitely going to have a browse of their face masks! I completely agree, Lana's writing becomes something almost completely different when you spend some time delving beneath the surface.

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  2. I am so happy to be reading your writing again <3

    I've also been playing Melodrama on repeat lately! I loved her first album so much that I was a little nervous listen to this one but I love it. Her lyrics are always so fascinating to me. Oh! and I've been using the Lush shampoo bars for years now and I love them. I use Seanik because my hair is suuuper fine and lacks a lot of volume and I find that it helps add texture, although I've also used Jason and the Argan Oil, Brazilliant and Jumping Juniper and I liked them too. They take a little while to wear in before they bubble up properly but I'd never go back to bottled shampoo!

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    1. You can really see her progression, not only musically but how she's grown as she has navigated through those years in between. I always think it must be incredible to be a musician and have these musical time capsules of who you were at that time. Oh that's brilliant to know, Seanik is actually the one I'm drawn to the most!

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  3. You will never be writing to no one because I will always return to this space. You write perfectly and i'm so pleased to hear that your tattoo has helped with your body image. I have a tattoo for similar reasons and it has had the same effect... xx

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    1. Oh gosh, thank you! That's so wonderful to hear <3

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  4. Your tattoo is so beautiful Jennie! I'm sure you'll get more ♥
    I hope you're well and taking care of yourself.

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    1. Thank you, Jess! I hope you are too.

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  5. Really loved that first paragraph! I feel like everything you said there is reflected in your blog :) // Ah your ink is so cool! What's the design? // The only Lush product I've tried is their massage bar. I quite liked it! I used it as body lotion LOL -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's

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    1. Thank you, Audrey! She's a female Sherlock Holmes with some floral details. <3

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  6. Jennie, this was beautiful to read. It brings back lots of nostalgia for me - I was a writer of 'woe is me' words many moons ago and that feels like something in my distant past... I too have been revelling in Lana's music this month and it's keeping me company during my long nights at work, whisking me away to a bygone era and a land far from here.

    So pleased that you're happy with your tattoo; I have wanted one for ages but now the desire has seemed to fade but as you say, things come and they go and we'll never know until we KNOW.

    Reading this after a long day at work has given me much to think about :-) hope you have a good week ahead!

    Cherie ✿ sinonym

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  7. I love the way you word your thoughts. I hadn't realised how much I missed reading your posts but I sure am glad you're back xx

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  8. Reading your words on getting a tattoo very much resonated with me - I've always loved them and thought they were beautiful works of art, but I'm still sitting on the fence. One day I might take the plunge on the ideas that have been floating around in my head for a couple of years, but who knows!

    I'm not so clued up on Lush products, but I do really like their shower gel, Twilight. I use it if I shower before bed, because the sweet lavender smell completely calms me! I got a little bottle in one of their boxsets, and am likely to repurchase when it's all gone, but a little seems to go a long way :-) xxx

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  9. Your blog is different and that's what makes it special. I also remember what blogging was like the beginning (I think I've been reading sailboat. since I was 23/24?) and I miss those days a lot. Blogging was journalistic then, not so much about marketing, schedules, targets. But this is your space and I am happy you are using it to write what you wish.

    Congratulations on your tattoo -- I was in awe seeing it on Instagram! It's wonderful you put so much thought into a piece that is forever. I like the new LDR album as well. It definitely requires a slow listen and thinking to get through.

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  10. Wow! I've always thought about getting a tattoo but have often felt too indecisive to actually choose a design! I'm so happy that you did it <3 I really love most of the Lush products I've tried - the shampoo bars are very good and last for ages! I also love the Mr Sandman dusting powder, hopefully it will be back this Christmas :) xxx

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Thank you so much for reading! I love when you leave your thoughts so I would love if you left me a little comment, I read every single one, they mean so much and I try my very best to reply to each one!

You are very welcome to leave a link to your blog in your comment, but please just leave one link and I ask you not to promote giveaways. Thank you for understanding. With love, Jennie May xo