Dear January, 2016.

How are you? A question that can be both innocent and probing, depending on who is behind the words. There are those that a 'fine thank you, you?' will placate. And those people who already know the answer isn't that, but who want to hear you say it aloud. Who want to penetrate the wall you've built to try and protect yourself, because they know the wall isn't working. You're standing in the shadow of your own self constructed prison. It takes away your sunlight. The darkness looms overhead. And the only way to induce change is to chip away until the wall begins to fall. It's messy. It's difficult. And you're left with a pile of bricks and dust that need to be dispersed before you can step out of the shadows and back into the world.

Much of 2015 was filled with half finished writings, a distinct lack of photographing, rare outings, little bravery, no pride in what I was doing and very few meaningful connections. What do you do when you hit an all time emotional low? Well, to be honest I have no idea. But after an extended period of time (that I can only imagine must be different for everyone, it's just sort of, well, whenever you feel ready) it's now time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again. And it just so happens that for me this has coincided with the dawning of a whole new year. A year in which I can discover and grow into whoever I want to be. Cliche perhaps, but it's a neat little metaphor I'll keep close beside me.

What sparked my changing thought process? Well, I went to New York. And the world opened up. I saw glimpses of the person I would be if I were a New Yorker. And I liked that person. And then I realised that that person was still me. Another part of me I didn't know was in there. But me none the less. And while I may not be in New York in person anymore, part of my soul certainly is and it's soaking up the energy of immediacy that encapsulates the city. The kind that makes you believe that there is something out there in this big wide world waiting for you to see, an opportunity to be seized, a person to meet, an event that will change your very being forever. 

In December I unplugged. Spent some time alone, giving myself a stern talking to. Spent time with my family, who I am grateful to have because they give me a comfortable space in which to simply be, for as long as I need. Decorated the tree. Gave presents. Opened presents. Watched an almost uncountable amount of Christmas films. Passed around boxes of chocolates. Made a small dent in the enormous bottle of gin my mum bought me. Laughed. Cried a bit at how fortunate I am but how complicated I seem to insist on making things for myself. Un-decorated the tree. Started making proper dinners again; turns out there is a limit to how many days in a row I can have cheese and biscuits and still feel good. It's three days. Found exactly the right book to get stuck into after a bit of a reading drought. Saw in the New Year with cake and gin and sandwiches and singing. I'm still working my way through that bottle of gin, it may just take me all year. And now it is time to plug back in.

There's a difference between not caring what people think of you or what you're doing and believing that no one cares. The former was liberating. The latter made me reckless in the worst way. There were days where I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and I don't ever ever ever want to feel like that again. I should have reread this a little more often, I think. Although I suppose I wasn't brave enough. But getting on a plane has taught me that I can be brave and I'm starting to believe that maybe I can write. Maybe it's something I can be good at if I give myself the chance. And so...

a few plans for two thousand and sixteen so far...

Figuring out the dream.
Being brave enough to reach out and saying hello, can we be friends?
Seeing Adele again, and maybe, very probably, cry singing along to When We Were Young.
The Cursed Child play!
A trip to the seaside.
A wander around London.
Cinema trips - The BFG, Fantastic Beasts!
Books galore. No particular numerical goal, just picking up whatever I feel like at the time.
Believing that I can write.
Going to see some Shakespeare.
Write. No excuses. Just write.

You've stood by my side through thick and thin, even when I haven't deserved it. Thank you. Sincerely, thank you. And so here's to a brand new year. Not a whole new me. I'm the same person, just a little bit different. A little like this space. It's not new, but it will be something a little bit different. Because I am not afraid. I am capable. And I'm beginning to believe in myself.

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Happy New Year to you and yours. 

This is your year. 

To be who you want to be. 

To do what you want to do.

You've got this. 

I believe in you.

Share one of your goals for this year in a comment?

I would love to learn a little more about about you.

All my love, 

Jennie

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