Much of 2015 was filled with half finished writings, a distinct lack of photographing, rare outings, little bravery, no pride in what I was doing and very few meaningful connections. What do you do when you hit an all time emotional low? Well, to be honest I have no idea. But after an extended period of time (that I can only imagine must be different for everyone, it's just sort of, well, whenever you feel ready) it's now time for me to pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again. And it just so happens that for me this has coincided with the dawning of a whole new year. A year in which I can discover and grow into whoever I want to be. Cliche perhaps, but it's a neat little metaphor I'll keep close beside me.
In December I unplugged. Spent some time alone, giving myself a stern talking to. Spent time with my family, who I am grateful to have because they give me a comfortable space in which to simply be, for as long as I need. Decorated the tree. Gave presents. Opened presents. Watched an almost uncountable amount of Christmas films. Passed around boxes of chocolates. Made a small dent in the enormous bottle of gin my mum bought me. Laughed. Cried a bit at how fortunate I am but how complicated I seem to insist on making things for myself. Un-decorated the tree. Started making proper dinners again; turns out there is a limit to how many days in a row I can have cheese and biscuits and still feel good. It's three days. Found exactly the right book to get stuck into after a bit of a reading drought. Saw in the New Year with cake and gin and sandwiches and singing. I'm still working my way through that bottle of gin, it may just take me all year. And now it is time to plug back in.
There's a difference between not caring what people think of you or what you're doing and believing that no one cares. The former was liberating. The latter made me reckless in the worst way. There were days where I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and I don't ever ever ever want to feel like that again. I should have reread this a little more often, I think. Although I suppose I wasn't brave enough. But getting on a plane has taught me that I can be brave and I'm starting to believe that maybe I can write. Maybe it's something I can be good at if I give myself the chance. And so...
a few plans for two thousand and sixteen so far...
Figuring out the dream.Being brave enough to reach out and saying hello, can we be friends?
Seeing Adele again, and maybe, very probably, cry singing along to When We Were Young.
The Cursed Child play!
A trip to the seaside.
A wander around London.
Cinema trips - The BFG, Fantastic Beasts!
Books galore. No particular numerical goal, just picking up whatever I feel like at the time.
Believing that I can write.
Going to see some Shakespeare.
Write. No excuses. Just write.
You've stood by my side through thick and thin, even when I haven't deserved it. Thank you. Sincerely, thank you. And so here's to a brand new year. Not a whole new me. I'm the same person, just a little bit different. A little like this space. It's not new, but it will be something a little bit different. Because I am not afraid. I am capable. And I'm beginning to believe in myself.
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Happy New Year to you and yours.
This is your year.
To be who you want to be.
To do what you want to do.
You've got this.
I believe in you.
Share one of your goals for this year in a comment?
I would love to learn a little more about about you.
All my love,
Jennie
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Happy new year Jennie! xx
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, Laura! x
DeleteJennie, I've always followed your blog and sang your song. Because, quite frankly we're all 'complicated' and someday's I have no idea what I'm doing either.
ReplyDeleteI spent 9 months of 2015 tormented day in day out - I didn't recognize myself either, I know I still have a lot to figure out too - but darn it's hard to even know where to start.
I want to write until my hearts content and tell the world how much I love it. Like you, I travelled a great journey. I saw a different country, and fell in love.
Everyday I thank Thailand for opening my heart to possibility - if I can store the love of Bangkok, and the glorious Islands we visited, then I can project that into something beautiful, I just know.
And, I know maybe me and you both can find that long lost dream.
Alice x
p.s I'll always be your friend.
Alice, thank you so much for always being so kind. I hope this year is kind to us both! <3
DeleteHappy new year, Jennie! Love this post <3 x
ReplyDeleteHappy new year wonderful lady - thank you! xo
DeleteHappy New Year, Jennie! Loved reading this post and I'm sorry to hear you've had a tougher time than most lately. I feel as though 2015 will always go down as a highlight for me yet I spent much of it feeling lost and mostly alone~ I 100% agree that travel opens your mind to new ways and possibilities! I feel it every time I visit a new district, city and even when I flew home for Christmas (: wishing you every health, hope and happiness for 2016 xx
ReplyDeleteHappy new year, Michelle! I hope this year is even better than the last for you! <3
DeleteHappy New Year, Jennie! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and time in New York. Good luck with your plans and I hope you have a great year :)
ReplyDeleteHappy new year, Sian! I hope this year is kind to you <3
DeleteIt's amazing what travel can do for the mind and soul :) Happy New Year! My mantra for the year is "curiosity." And yess, I want to watch those two films as well! -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey's
ReplyDeleteCuriosity is a brilliant word for this year. I hope it's a good one for you! <3
DeleteHappy New Year! This one sounds a little mediocre but I don't really like the whole resolution thing because I'm not that great at setting myself goals. But after being compelled by the drama And Then There Were None on BBC One this Christmas, I really want to read some Agatha Christie this year.
ReplyDeletefranalibi.blogspot.co.uk
Yes! It was so good, wasn't it? I've only read one Agatha Christie book before, but I have some others on my shelf that I'm looking forward to this year too! x
DeleteThis is lovely, Jennie. Happy new year! I'm still not sure what I want my goals to be this year, but I do know I want to work towards being a stronger, happier me.
ReplyDeleteEllie xx
That sounds pretty perfect to me. Happy new year, Ellie! x
DeleteLovely post. Isn't life just a rollercoaster sometimes?
ReplyDeleteOne of my goals this year is to try more new things.
Happy New Year, Jennie! :)
http://IAmLinderella.blogspot.co.uk
It definitely is! Happy new year <3
DeleteOhh, happy new year my love. I honestly hope for you that this is the best year ever. You CAN do it and you WILL. We all believe in you <3
ReplyDeleteAhh thank you, Leanne! <3
DeleteI'm so sorry you've had some tough times Jennie, I so hope 2016 is much brighter and happier for you! How exciting that you went to New York though? NYC is always a good idea but in your case it seems like it couldn't have come at a better time. Good luck with your new year goals, they all sound fun and perfectly doable - you got this! Good to see you back chick x
ReplyDeleteJosie | Sick Chick Chic
Thank you so much for always being so kind, Josie! <3
DeleteHappy New Year, Jennie! <3
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear 2015 has been tough for you, here's hoping 2016 will be the one! I know it's tough to pick yourself up and carry on, you are one brave lady. Lots of love!
Jess xo
http://just-jesss.blogspot.co.uk
Happy new year, Jess! Thank you for always being so lovely, it's so appreciated! xo
DeleteHappy New Year Jennie, I really hope 2016 is better for you. Good luck with your goals, I have every faith in you that you can achieve them all - you're an incredible person xx
ReplyDeleteSam // Samantha Betteridge
Thank you so much, Sam! Happy new year, you're the best! xo
DeleteLife is definitely a rollercoaster.
ReplyDeleteI totally get your goal of working out the dream. I really hope by the end of this year I will know exactly what I want, and can start striving towards it. You too x
I hope 2016 is kind to both of us! x
DeleteJennie, what a beautiful, beautiful post, you brought a tear to my eye. I know a little of what it feels like to not want to get out of bed or have anyone ask "how are you?", I hope your 2016 is the frsh start that you deserve.
ReplyDeleteI know it's a bit of a cliche but my resolution is to do more yoga. I always feel better when I'm moving regularly but it's hard to find the motivation to leave the house and the anxiety of going to a class knowing that I'll be too stiff to do most of the poses has been holding me back.
Jessthetics xx
Thank you so much, Jessica! Yoga is something I'd like to do more too - I hear Yoga with Adriene on youtube is the place to be! I hope 2016 is kind to you <3
DeleteLove this post! My 2016 resolution is to make my blog popular and to start painting!
ReplyDeleteLike you, I would like to revisit London and read as much as I can.
Ooh painting - lovely! Good luck with your goals <3
DeleteHappy New Year Jennie! I hope you have a wonderful 2016 - you got this too. You can most definitely write, and I wish you lots of luck with your goals. One of mine is to find a job or an internship after I graduate (fingers crossed!) xx
ReplyDeleteToasty
Happy new year, Beth! And good luck with the job/internship search - I'm sure you will find your perfect first role! xx
DeleteHappy new year!
ReplyDeleteMy goal for 2016 is yet to be decided. I am in a complex situation and I don't know how to get out of it or even if I should.
I hope that you manage to figure things out, trust in yourself to make the right decision!
DeleteHappy New Year!! I absolutely loved this post and I hope you accomplish all your goals and more this year!!
ReplyDeleteOne of my goals is probably to read a ton more books this year from more varied genres :) x
Happy New Year! That sounds like an excellent goal to me, it's one of mine too <3
DeleteJennie, thank you so much for your comment on my blog! You have no idea how happy you made me! It's a good start of the year for me! I wish you a great 2016! :)
ReplyDeleteYou're so welcome! I hope 2016 is kind to you <3
DeleteJennie I am so pleased you're back. I'm sorry you've been feeling so low but I am so glad you're feeling ready to face the world again. Please believe me when I say your writing is captivating, inspiring and beautiful - you can definitely write. YOU ARE AMAZING. Don't forget it xx
ReplyDeleteIoanna | Hearting.co.uk
Ahh you're always too kind to me! Thank you, thank you, thank you <3
DeleteI believe in you, too.
ReplyDeleteAlways have and always will.
Also, I just know you are a writer.
You don't have to publish a novel to be a writer, although who knows what will happen. This right here is beautiful, deep, honest writing.
I wish you all the best for 2016, I hope it will be kinder to you and I hope you will never lose sight of how amazing and capable of greatness you are. Trust yourself.
Daphne :)
Thank you so much, Daphne! Happy New Year, I hope it's a good one for you <3
DeleteBeautifully written as always! Sorry 2015 was such a hard one for you, wishing you all the best for 2016 I'm sure you'll be able to make it what you want xo
ReplyDeleteThank you, Ally! x
DeleteJennie, I found this post so, so unbelievably moving. You've been so strong and brave this year even when you think you haven't. I am SO glad you had such an incredible time in New York. Your readers will always be here, whether you post or not - the words you write and have written are so wonderful and I often visit your blog and stroll through the archives. Happy New Year to you and I hope it's a fantastic one.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when is this wander in London? If you would like to go a cup of tea/gin with me when you're in London then please let me know xxx
Thank you so much, Laila. I hope it's a fantastic one for you too!
DeleteI'm coming to see the Harry Potter play in August, but I'll hopefully make it down before then too. Will definitely let you know the details! x
Happy New Year! I hope you will do well on your goals. I think my main goal is to try and see good in others. More often than not I jump to the worst conclusion and I should stop doing that.
ReplyDeleteHappy new year! I think that's a great goal to have <3
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