Pretending / Not.

When I first started school the thought of answering my name to the register each morning, that one second where the only voice everyone in the room would hear would be mine, was too overwhelming for thought. Until one day I did answer and everyone made such a fuss that I can, almost, still feel the intense burning of my cheeks. To me it wasn't a big deal, but to everyone else it was. And that was the day I learnt that not only do you sometimes have to do things that feel so impossible, you have to do them whilst pretending it's okay, or that it isn't taking all of your power in that moment to do it. Pretending became second nature and I was very good at it. I am very good at it. I've been convincing even myself for a very long time.

But when I gave myself permission to finally feel something again it was like opening the curtains after a long winter night. And at first it was as though I was an outsider looking into my life, my soul, my very being and I couldn't see very much at all. An almost void. Near emptiness that was being thinly veiled by anything I could grasp and hold on to tightly for long enough to deflect any eyes that may have been trying to peek inside, because if no one else knows there's nothing there, then there's nothing wrong. 

But for the first time in a long time, there was something new there. It may only have been whispers from the ghost of the girl who once felt like she could take on the world and come out on top, but all we ever need is the reassurance that there's still something, someone in there somewhere. 

So I may not have an answer. There probably isn't one. Answers are rare and often disappointing beings. But I do know that although feelings of giving in may try to seduce you, it's often the easy option, and sometimes you do have to do things that feel impossible. Things that will take everything that you possibly have to give. Pretend that it's easier than it is if it helps to get you through, but being honest, even simply with yourself, can feel like standing on top of the tallest hill, staring up towards a starry sky at midnight and shouting hello, here I am.

Freeing.