H O M E .      A B O U T .      C O N T A C T .      T U M B L R .      T H E   B O O K   J O U R N A L .      sailorjennie [at] gmail [dot] com

Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Dear November

Lately I have been sending all blog-related emails directly to the metaphorical shredder without even pausing to open them. It was just by chance that I saw the renewal email for this domain and for the first time ever, I paused to question whether this was something else I would purposely run away from this year. After spending the best part of nine months actively turning away from commitments and responsibilities that don't stir something in my soul in a way that I have yet to find adequate words to explain, I'd say I'm pretty much at expert level. Maybe I took the fact I even saw the renewal email at all as some sort of sign. That's probably not true. I don't know. I've sort of stopped looking for signs, instead just doing things that feel right in the moment because if this year has taught me anything, it's that none of us can ever know how many moments we have left. Maybe I'm just being reckless by denouncing the concept of regret altogether, I don't know. But I think when a new perspective or way of living life feels right, it's probably best to just go with it and see what happens.

Regardless, here we are.

Hello. Hi. So, I am probably the most depressed I have ever been, if it's really possible to quantify such a thing, which sounds flippant but I think it has to, otherwise it feels too heavy to carry, you know? Somewhat confusingly I am also currently probably the most academically fulfilled I have ever been. Are the two related? I hope not, but they probably are a little bit. Escaping into gender theory has been an outlet and I've developed a bit of a passion for championing women in literature who still get a lot of unnecessary flack from old middle-class white guys. And I'm still doing some freelance writing here and there, which is really great despite never feeling as though anything I write is ever quite perfect.

As for other things, well, I've been drinking a lot of Alpro coconut chocolate milk. That stuff is A+. Glossier lured me in with their pared-down approach to makeup and it's already love. I've been listening to a lot of Lorde (yep, I still cry every single time Hard Feelings/Loveless plays) and I've just rediscovered my love for Sons of an Illustrious Father. Fave tracks at the moment are Loveletting and Armageddon. I got a new tattoo and as soon as I find the last bit of courage needed to deal with the pain I'm pretty sure I'm going all in for a large-scale something on my chest soonish. I've been rewatching all the episodes of Raising Dad I can find on YouTube. And I was pretty into that vampire filter on Instagram for Hallowe'en. I can't do make up, but if I could I'd be tempted to make that my new look.

As always, I don't really know what this is. But, I suppose, it is what it is, whatever it is.

We can do brave things, together.

See you soon.


  1. Glad you are still posting Jennie, really hope you'll feel better soon though x

  2. Stay strong love. Hoping the holiday season might lift you some joy!
    Much love, Caitylis x x

  3. Jennie! I've missed your posts, it's so nice to see you pop up in my feed. I'm sorry to hear you've been having a tough time recently. I'm glad you felt like posting. You came into my thoughts last week, my colleague and I were talking about old school blogs we loved and your name came up! It's good that you're feeling academically fulfilled. Sending you positive thoughts and lots of love! I'll be waiting when you post again, whenever that might be. No pressure, just know that there are people on the Internet who still think about you & wish you well. T x

  4. I'm sorry to hear that you've been depressed ): I hope you're finding the support you need! Take care of yourself <3

  5. Lovely honest words. My very best wishes to you...and it sounds like you've achieved so much,and deserve to be gentle on yourself for what you're filling each day with. I've always enjoyed your posts. Take care,

    Keep Calm and start writing ~

  6. It's so good to hear from you Jennie, I've been really missing your blog. It's awful to hear that you've been hit by depression - I'm so sorry to hear that and I hope you have access to the help you need and that you're finding courage and strength.

    In regard to the rest of your post - I really don't think regret works for me, as a concept, as a theory, as an emotion. When I was younger I used to live by the mantra "no regrets" and for the past five years, although I've never thought of that or said it to myself, it's just like become adopted into my brain I think and I honestly have no regrets I can think of. It's just not even on my radar. So, I'm not sure if I'm maybe projecting a bit here but if that is similar to the conclusion you've reached or how you've been feeling then I'm right there with you!

    Also - Raising Dad was the best! I used to love watching either that or Two Of A Kind during sick days (occasionally still do). x

  7. Sending you lots of love and positive vibes sweet one <3 I'll always adore anything you write <3 xxx

  8. I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch at the moment, Jennie. If you need anyone to talk to, or at, please feel free to get in touch. I am glad to hear you are enjoying your studies though - I've found that when my MH is at its worse, if I can lose myself in a project or two, it helps feel a little bit more human when everything else feels like too much.

    I've been thinking about tattoos a lot lately as well - I've been umming and ahhing over a piece on my forearm for the best part of a year, and seeing as I've never considered a certain tattoo for that long, I'm starting to think I should bite the bullet and go for it! I hope you feel a little better soon <3 xxx

  9. I've been reading for years and never commented (I don't think). But I just wanted to say that I am glad you are still here, and I hope things get easier for you. You write so beautifully x

  10. I've been really missing your blog posts so I am so pleased you felt like writing again. I'm very sorry you've not been feeling so well mentally. I hope you feel more yourself soon xx

    Ioanna | Hearting.co.uk

  11. I'm glad you've decided to keep your blog, I've been reading it for years, you're so unique! Sorry to hear you're suffering with depression, take care of yourself and if you ever feel like chatting to a stranger, I've been there myself.

    Lots of love, Carolanne
    A Literary Cocktail: http://www.aliterarycocktail.com

  12. Sorry to hear that you have to deal with a depression. I hope you feel better now cause I love to read your blog posts.

  13. I always love to read your posts, whenever they are posted. Hope that things are going OK.


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